


The Search for Shepard.

by SparklyQuarians



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drama, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-01 11:24:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6516574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparklyQuarians/pseuds/SparklyQuarians
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Normandy crew returned to Earth, they discovered that their beloved friend was missing. After fruitless searching she was declared killed in action, throwing a galaxy in to mourning. Months later, Liara begins to suspect Shepard is still alive. Gathering up the clues, the crew search the galaxy to bring their Commander and friend back home. Rating will change eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Remembering Shepard

The atmosphere in the vast room sombre, conversation slow and quiet. People had gathered to remember the fallen, every solider who valiantly fought a fearsome enemy. But it was one they focused on. A woman who made miracles happen, ended centuries long grudges and reunited a galaxy. To some, she was a hero, to others, a blessing, but to a small group of people, she was a friend, a friend who left a void in their lives that could never be filled.

It was a month ago, that the search for Shepard had been called off. As time went on, it became real to everyone, the searching was pointless, she had gone. There was no body to bury, just memories to hold dear. It has been Anderson who announced that the Alliance had declared her killed in action.

The Normandy crew sat far away from everyone else. Every one of them feeling it was a sham. People coming to remember her and say nice things but they didn't buy it. They had doubted her, questioned her every move and now they acted as if they loved her. Liara rejoined their table, tears still running down her cheeks. She took the napkin that Tali offered, using it to dry her eyes, "What's wrong?" Tali asked softly, taking her hand.

"I found this in Shepard's quarters," Liara put a data pad on the table in front of her, sliding it towards Joker, "Shepard's final words. She wants us all to see it."

Joker picked it up, sighing deeply, "I'll go and give to Anderson. I need something stronger than this rat's piss," Joker got up from the table, limping slightly towards Anderson, who was deep in conversation with Hackett at the bar.

Kaidan, unlike his follow crew members, hadn't said a word all evening. He was month three into his life without Shepard. Regret marred him everyday. After the Crucible fired, they were forced to leave Shepard behind, a decision every crew member couldn't stomach. Joker nearly broke the Normandy, racing to get back to her, but when they got there, Hackett told them that it was hopeless. They had found Anderson barely alive, the corpse of the Illusive man, but Shepard was nowhere to be found. Kaidan clutched on to Shepard's charred dog tags, running his thumb over her name, wishing this was a nightmare and he would wake up. The crew had come to rely heavily on each other in recent months, each of them, feeling the same dark cloud that rained over head. Kaidan knew that without each other, they'd fall apart, reeling in the shock of not having Shepard's sarcastic comments or kind words to make them feel better. She had become a mother figure for some the younger crew, someone they learned from and had tender, individual care from. For the others, she was their sister, a friend, shoulder to lean on, everything they needed her to be.

Sensing the mood among his friends, Garrus decided they needed to remember they'd had Shepard, instead of dwelling on the fact, they didn't any more, "Shepard would have hated it here. Remember the time she tried to stick a "Kick me" on Councillor Sparatus?" The Turian laughed at the memory of his drunken friend, taking up Joker's dare.

"Keelah!" Tali shook her head, laughter breaking through, "She was so drunk that day."

"What about when we finally got her real name out of her. Who'd have thought the biggest bad ass in the galaxy was called, Honey," Liara laughed, "That inspired a week of "Honey" jokes."

Jack smiled, enjoying the stories of Shepard, "My own favourite was, Shepard falling into that swamp. When we were planet side, disabling that geth signal, she tripped and fell in head first. I fucking laughed my ass off."

The table laughed, some of them had not been witness to it, "What happened?" Steve asked.

"Shepard came back to the Normandy, head to toe in angry red lumps on her skin. She wasn't happy at a two day stay in med bay," Dr Chakwas told them, "She was always a laugh."

"She was. She wasn't just a great CO, she was a great friend," James said sadly, hugging a tearful Traynor.

Joker returned to the table with two jugs of something blue, "Right, this is Shepard's favourite drink," He placed them down, before settling back into his chair.

Garrus poured everyone a drink, passing them around the table, "We were talking about our favourite Shepard moments, Joker."

"Do you remember, Prank week?" The pilot asked, causing most of the crew to groan.

"How could we forget that!" James huffed out, "I had to sleep with one eye open, all week."

Steve snorted, nudging his friend, "She got you good though. It took three weeks to wash that purple stuff off your head."

"You know," Kaidan finally spoke up, "We always thought we would always have her around. Took her for granted at times. I miss her."

"We all do, Kaidan," Tali soothed, hugging her friend, "It was an honour to say she was a friend."

Joker raised his glass, "To Shepard, the greatest ever CO there ever was."

"To Shepard," The crew said in unison before downing their drinks.

Everyone in the room turned towards the stage where Anderson stood at the podium, ready to make his speech, "We are here to today to remember the fallen. In particular, Commander Shepard. She was a strong, fierce leader. Incredibly loyal, a great friend and CO. I've known from the very beginning Honey Shepard was-" Anderson stopped when the giggles from the Normandy crew had been heard from the back, while whispers spread around the room. Anderson should have known they'd laugh at the name, he himself had teased her about it, "I knew from the beginning Shepard would go on to do great things. The first Human Spectre, Saviour of the Citadel and many other things. Soldiers like Shepard are very rare but she managed to find a crew of them. Women like Shepard, are even more rare. She isn't just a hero, she is a legend and she should be remembered for giving all that she had, when she asked for so little. Thank you," Anderson earned a round of applause for his speech, moving through the crowd to sit back down at the Alliance table.

Several others got up to make a speech about her, mainly notable figures from other races. Primarch Victus had been particularly kind in his speech about her, including a time when she had comforted him over the death of his son. Admiral Raan had given an emotional speech, feeling like the Quarians hadn't thanked her enough for the lengths she went to for them, even when she didn't have to. They all agreed that Shepard truly cared about people, she didn't see races, she saw individuals and judge them on the merits, rather than their home world.

The room went quiet as a large display screen had a picture of Shepard on it. Liara looked sadly at the crew, they knew this was her final words. As the vid began to play, everyone noted how casual Shepard looked as she lay on her bed, her long black hair slightly messy and hung around her face. This was the real Shepard on display.

" _So I guess if your watching this, I didn't make it. I knew that I wouldnt. I've known for a a long time that I wouldnt see the end of this war. So I wanted to talk about my childhood first. I was raised in an orphanage, it was an awful place. I was raped there, several times, by twelve, I learnt that if I didn't stick up for myself, no one would, so I stabbed my rapist in the neck and I ran away from the home. I survived somehow and once I was old enough to enlist I did and I never looked back. Getting there wasn't easy, I stole to survive, to eat. One day, I saw this handsome Alliance officer standing with some other officers, obviously on shore leave, enjoying some drinks. I snuck up on him, while he was distracted by another kid, taking his credit chit from his pocket. I ran down the back alleys, thinking I was safe, then this officer walked up behind me. He laughed and said I had good skills. He brought me dinner and we talked. He told me all his stories in the military and I was spellbound. That was when I was sixteen, I counted down the days until I could join. Admiral Anderson gave me life."_

Admiral Anderson smiled sadly. He remembered that skinny sixteen year old. She was a sweet girl, with a sharp wit and a keen mind. He encountered her again after that day when she was 22 and making her name in the Alliance. It felt unjust to him, her life had ended when she still had so much living left to do.

" _Next I want to talk about my crew. All of them who served on both Normandy SR1 and SR2. My crew, my friends, my family, well, they meant everything to me. More everything, I lived for them. I never had people I could call family or friends that I could count on. Suddenly, I had this crazy mix of people, all of whom I love more than I could say. Garrus, the greatest Turian ever! Tali, give her a spanner and omni tool and she'll fix it, guaranteed. Joker, the best pilot in the galaxy, apart from Steve. There will never been two people who I could trust more to pull my ass out of the fire, than those two. James Vega, my muscle man, a terrible flirt and a damn fine solider. He doesn't know it, but he'll go far in the Alliance. Kaidan, my close friend, my shoulder and the man I love, I wish I told him that. Stupid frat regs. Anyway, Liara, she is a wonderful person and very wise. There are many others in my crew, I haven't mentioned but they are no less important to me. My wonderful engineers. Dr Chakwas, she has fixed me more times than I can count. Miranda, Jack, Jacob, Thane, Samara and so many more. It's been an honour to have you all on my crew. Thank you all for being there, for saving me, guiding me, making me laugh, for listening to me."_

Everyone turned toward the Normandy crew, most of them were crying, heads in their hands, mourning someone they held so very dear to them. Kaidan sat, elbows on the table, head pushing against his fists. Regret churned in his stomach. She had felt the same way about him and now it was too late to do anything about it. He felt like firing up his biotics and destroying everything in the room around him. The injustice stabbed at his heart, like a million knives aimed at that very spot.

" _I would like to mention some people I have met. Primarch Victus, a man kicked head first into politics and doing a fine job of keeping people alive. Admiral Koris, although we never really saw eye to eye, he's a good man, loves his people. He could do good things for them if they'd let him. Admiral Hackett, my superior and one of the best. Along with Anderson, he was my rock, I couldn't have managed without him."_

" _I have always tried to do the right thing. I know people doubted me, hated me, wanted me gone but I did what I had to do because I cared. I care about saving you, I care about ensuring that there will be a future for everyone. I regret many things. Losing Thessia, that stung really bad. It wasn't until then I thought I could fail. Watching that, made me doubt myself, what if I fail? What if I cant stop this war when people are depending on me. I don't want to let any one down. Too many people have died and I take full responsibility for that. I should have fought harder, made people see the truth, prepare us for this. I wish I could save everyone, but I'm just one woman, a woman who is burning out, who can feel the fight draining out of her. I would have like to have had more time. I would have loved to have had children, a few mini mes running about, causing havoc."_

People in the room, started to cry as Shepard cried, tears running down her face, looking so scared and vulnerable.

" _Well I guess if you are watching this, I know I did it. If my life has been given, then so be it. What is one life, compared to billions? Am I scared? yes I am, very scared, but I wont stop and I wont give in until this is done. I'm ready to sleep, to be free. Do not ever forget what we have achieved together. We have united and become strong. In my memory, remember to respect each other. Remember, no matter where we come from, we are all on one big journey called life, so sit back with a drink and enjoy the ride."_

After the recording stopped, the room was silent apart from gentle sobbing and deep sighs. Everyone in the room felt the same loss, as if the centre of the universe had gone and they were all left adrift, wondering where they go from here. Joker stood up, drink in his hand, "To Shepard!" He called out, "The legend, the woman, our friend."

Everyone stood up, raising their glasses to an extraordinary woman.


	2. On the trail

Kaidan laid on the bed in his cabin, on the very spot that Shepard had slept. The sheets still had her fruity scent all over them. Nothing in the cabin had been changed since he moved in, he just couldn't bring himself to move her things. Her model ships still in their display case, her medals still proudly displayed on the desk. Even her hamster was still there. He'd been given command of the Normandy, making Vega his XO. Garrus, Tali and Liara had been given roles on their respective home worlds, turning them down in favour of staying on the ship. In return, the Alliance gave them honorary ranks with the pay to match, in recognition for their services to the Alliance.

Kaidan often got fed up with the assignments they were given. A supply mission here, drop a dignitary off there and flash the Normandy around where ever possible. He was in charge of a glorified taxi and it infuriated him.

He sighed deeply as he thought about Shepard, thinking about all the times he had come up to the cabin, watching vids or play chess. She'd normally fall asleep on him, within minutes, he too would be asleep. He got up from the bed, walking up the stairs to his desk, where a picture of Shepard and himself sat. Picking it up, he ran his fingers over Shepard's face, remembering the day it was taken.

_Vega walked around the apartment, taking pictures of the crew as they partied. Some probably would be deleted the next morning, others would kept as mementos of a good time. Able to forget there was a war and just live, if only for a few hours. Shepard had been in conversation with Kaidan for a good proportion of the night. James could see the chemistry between them, you'd have to be blind not to. Many did wonder if there was something going on, but both of them set them straight, they were good friends but it was obvious they wanted it to be more._

_He approached them, holding up his omni tool, "Pose for me, love birds," He joked, making both of them roll their eyes. They posed for the picture, Kaidan put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in tight, Shepard resting her forehead slightly on Kaidan's cheek. James took the picture, smiling as he studied it, definitely one to keep, "Perfect," He said as he walked away._

Kaidan placed the picture back down, not able to look at her beautiful violet eyes without regret churning him up inside. Admitting to himself that he wouldnt be able to sleep now, he sat at his desk to work on some of the reports that piled up on his desk.

* * *

Liara, also unable to sleep, stood in the mess hall, staring idly at the picture of the crew that hung on the wall. In it, Shepard was stood in the middle of her crew, one arm around Joker's waist as they smiled. Surrounding the picture were lots of other smaller pictures that had been added over time.

With a yawn, she headed back to her quarters with no real intention to sleep, she wouldnt be able to. Settling down at her terminal, she went through some of her agents reports, not really taking in any information until she reached one name, "Alison Gunn," She said to herself. She knew that name, but couldn't remember why, "EDI?"

"Yes, Liara?"

"Do you remember the name "Alison Gunn?"

"Yes. It was the alias used by Shepard when she went to Donovan Hock's party with Kasumi."

"I knew it. Thank you, EDI," She tapped away furiously, searching the name. A few had came up, but one grabbed her, "Alison H Gunn" Liara did believe in coincidence, but this time she refused to believe it, "EDI, wake up the crew and tell them to come to the mess."

"Yes Liara. Logging you out."

She walked out of her room with urgency, waiting for the crew to join her. After a few minutes, several blurry eyed people piled in, taking seats at the table, "What's up, blue," James asked, yawning and rubbing his eyes.

"I was going through some reports, I came across the name "Alison Gunn" on a ship manifest heading to Exodus cluster. EDI confirmed that Shepard used it as an alias."

"You mean when she went to that party with Kasumi?" Garrus asked sleepily.

"Yes! I did some digging and find out the ID in the name of "Alison H Gunn" I think it's Shepard."

"Wait. So you think she could still be alive?" Tali rested her head against the table, fighting against the tiredness that gripped her.

Kaidan stood up quickly, running his fingers through his hair, pacing the mess, "So let's go find her. Liara do some more digging. Traynor see what you can dig up. If she's out there, we are gonna find her," They all went their separate ways, with a renewed hope that Shepard was still alive.

* * *

Kaidan stood staring out of the window in the observation lounge, watching the stars go by. They were on their way to Eden Prime. Officially, it was a supply drop, but really they were searching for Shepard. He heard the doors open, not bothering to turn to see who it was.

"Something on your mind?"

He recognised the voice of Garrus behind him, "Just thinking about Shepard."

"Yeah. I've been thinking about her too."

"Why would she want the galaxy to think she was dead. Why would she leave us? Leave me?"

"I don't know. I could understand her wanting to escape. But not from us."

Kaidan slumped down on the sofa, putting his arms above his head, "I'm so mad at her. I don't want to be but I am."

"If we find her, lets hear her out before we get angry."

"I love her, Garrus," He said sadly, massaging his temples as he felt a headache coming.

"And she loves you."

"So why would she make me go through all this pain, again?"

"I don't know. But I do know she'll have a good reason," Garrus took a seat next to his friend, "Maybe she wanted space to sort her head out. This war took its toll on her, she was going to crack under the strain, eventually."

"I do understand that. But she could have let us know before hand," Both men sat in silence for a while as they watched the stars go by, knowing Shepard was out there somewhere.

Liara was tucked away in her office, running search after search looking for any reference to an Alison H. Gunn she could find; Shepard had to be out there doing something, after all she was hardly the kind of person to just sit quietly. She rubbed her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time, sleep had taken a back seat to locating her friend and she was not about to give in now when she was so close to finding her.

Tali walked into Liara's room, her body language conveying the same tiredness that Liara felt, "Any luck yet?" She asked her Asari friend.

"No. She's done a good job hiding her tracks. I'll find her, it'll just take time."

"I was thinking. Someone had to have helped her get off the Citadel," Tali took a seat next to Liara, "Someone has to know where she went."

"Who would help her? Hackett and Anderson are possibilities. She trusts them implicitly."

"Have you thought that she doesn't want to be found?" Joker's voice cut into their conversation, annoyance evident in his voice.

"What do you mean, Joker?"

"Well think about. She's gone to all this effort to hide. Maybe she just doesn't want to be found."

"Why would she want to leave us, of all people?" Liara asked, her floaty voice sounding harder than usual.

"Because she does everything for everyone and gets nothing back," Joker sat in his cockpit, irritated that they didn't understand that she doesn't want to be found, at least not yet, "Liara, Tali, can you honestly say that you want to find her because you are genuinely worried about her or do you want to find her because you need her for something?"

"How can you say that, Joker?!" Tali felt offended by his comments, as if he was suggesting that they used her for their own gains, "I miss her, Joker. I'm worried something is happening to her, so yes I want to find her, you bosh'tet."

"Look," Joker huffed out, "She's been through a lot. She gives so much and no one has ever really considered what is going through her head. Maybe she's tired of being the invincible Commander."

"I agree with him," James had been in the cockpit with the grumpy pilot for an hour discussing it. At that point, it was all the crew talked about, "I think she needs time to herself."

"Well, we'll have to agree to disagree," Liara snapped, cutting the comm with Joker before she said something she'd later regret. She could see a division occurring between the crew, she just hoped they found Shepard before it grew too big.

* * *

They finally arrived at Eden Prime, Steve sorting out the supplies that were due to be unloaded from the shuttle bay. Kaidan and Liara stood by the open door, waiting to go planet side. Kaidan was amazed at how they managed to rebuild some of the colonies in such a small space of time. After two attacks in 3 years, they had done well to keep the colonies in tact as much as they had, "Can you believe we are back here again?" He asked ruefully.

"I know, back to where we began."

"Where Shepard and I met Ashley for the first time."

"Where we uncovered the last of the Protheans," Said Liara wistfully.

"I think that's your favourite memory," Laughed Kaidan.

"Not everyday you find a Prothean, Kaidan."

"How did you convince him to stay?" He asked curiously. Javik made no secret of leaving, but when it came to it, he refused to go.

"I don't know. He just never mentioned it again."

He laughed slightly, "I think a certain Asari might have convinced him to stay."

"Maybe," Liara turned back to the cargo area, trying to hide her blushes, wondering where Garrus was. He was due to go planet side with them and had yet to make an appearance, "Where is Garrus?" She tutted impatiently.

"No idea," Kaidan sighed, "EDI, where's Garrus?"

"Garrus is in the main battery. Shall I tell him you are waiting?"

Kaidan and Liara rolled their eyes and shook their heads, "Tell him to hurry up."

"You'd think that cannon wouldnt need any more calibrating."

Kaidan scoffed, "I think calibrations are his way of saying he needs some alone time."

"Thank you for that image," Liara scrunched up her face in disgust at what Kaidan was trying to suggest.

Garrus eventually showed up in the shuttle bay, geared up to go, "Sorry. Primarch Victus can go on and on sometimes."

Kaidan and Liara gave each other knowing looks, suppressing their threatening laughter, "Lets go. We might be able to find someone who's seen Shepard."

Once they made it down to the planet, Kaidan split off from the rest of the group, taking a walk around the colony. It certainly lived up to its name, the colonists having made the most of the greenery, often incorporating it into the buildings. He found a market place, that buzzed with colonists and tourists. He approached one of the stalls, where a middle aged man and woman stood, organising the display, "Excuse me. Can I ask you some questions?"

"Well of course, young man. What would you like to know?" The woman answered in an accent that Kaidan suspected belonged to someone born in one the southern states of America.

"I'm looking for a woman who came here recently. She has long black hair, violet eyes and was quite tall."

"We get a lot of people come here," She started to say, but got lost in a train of thought, "Although, there was a woman who was acting odd. She had a cap on and sunglasses. I couldn't see the hair, but she was hiding her face as if she was worried someone would recognise her."

"Did you speak to her?"

"Yes. She brought some food from us."

"Did you see the name on the credit chit?" Kaidan felt his heart race, he knew Shepard had been there, possibly only a day or away from them.

The man put his fingers to his lips, deep in thought, "It was Alex, Alice, I think."

"No dear. It was Alison."

"Do you know where she went?"

"I think she caught a ride with some off worlders heading to Noveria."

"Thanks for everything," Kaidan walked away, hopeful that they knew where Shepard was heading next. Hopefully, they'd find her soon and when they did, he'd tell her how he really felt about her.


	3. Almost caught

Standing at her mirror, she admired her new hair style. Instead of just wild, uncontrolled locks, she opted for a slanted fringe, shorter than what she was used to, ending just beneath her shoulders and a completely new colour. She was now a golden blonde and wondering why she had never coloured her hair before, she had to admit, she made a pretty hot blonde. She was amazed how a face full of thick make up disguised her identity, when she was probably, the most easily recognisable woman in the galaxy. Although she tried to maintain her distance from people, some things she needed help with, so full dark make up and some clever contouring was the way to go.

Sitting on the bed, she looked at the picture on the bedside cabinet, sighing with deep sadness. Picking it up, she stroked the face of the man looking at her, wondering where he was right now. She knew that he had been made CO of her ship, something that pleased her, instead of a stranger, her crew got someone they trusted. She missed them all so much, but she wasn't the same person any more. Nightmares plagued her dreams, every sudden sound or shouting voices made her jump. Her strength had waned, just a body, battered and sore.

Her omni tool bleeped, knowing it would be Hackett, making his weekly call to her. She tapped the accept button, flopping back on the bed, "Evening, Admiral."

"Evening. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. Mainly just tired."

"Tired's good," Said Hackett wryly, "All quiet on the Western front?"

She rolled her eyes at the old expression, "Really, Hackett? Almost a thousand years past that and you're still using that old adage? I think the recruits are right, you're older than space itself."

He chuckled, only She could get away with talking to him like that, "That is why I'm a fleet Admiral."

"That is probably why. How is the Normandy crew?" She winced a little at her own detachment from her crew, but she had to accept, they weren't her crew any more.

"Frustrated. Mourning you."

She sighed as her shamed burned, "We've been through this before. I'm not me any more. They should remember who I was, not a broken, battered, shell of her former self."

"I think you under estimate just how much they care about you. Especially Major Alenko."

"Just don't," She warned.

"I must go. I've sent your credits over, along with your new ID, I'll send you the details of the pick up point. Take care."

"Bye, Hackett," She shut the call off, tears streaming down her face. She wanted to see them so badly but she just couldn't face them. Turning out the light, she turned over, facing the picture of Kaidan, the light of the city outside, giving just enough light to his face. That night she fell asleep, knowing the night wouldnt be good to her.

* * *

She walked through the streets of Terra Nova, a baseball cap covering her head, sunglasses shielding her eyes. She had to go a meet a contact of Hackett's to get her new ID. She wondered how many contacts he had, since she had never met the same one, they probably didn't even know who they were meeting. Spotting the bar in the distance, she sped up her pace to get inside quickly. Walking up to the bar, she noticed a man wearing civilian clothing but had an Alliance insignia pinned to his leather jacket. She sat down next to him, giving him a view of her own insignia, without a word, put down an ID and a credit chit, then slipped off his seat, disappearing into the crowds.

Slipping the items into her pocket, she ordered a drink from the bartender. While swirling her drink, she noticed some familiar faces in the distance, sitting at a table. Around it, her crew sat, drinking and cheering something, laughing with each other. She watched for a little while, sadness gripping at her, but happy they were smiling. They were doing fine without and they stuck together, which is what she wanted most. Downing her drink, she slipped out of the bar, with one last look her crew.

The crew gathered around a table, Vega handing out drinks he brought back from the bar, as they chatted about Shepard. A division between the crew had started to grow bigger, with Joker being the most vocal about leaving Shepard, if she was still alive, he knew that she likely needed the space.

Steve fiddled with his swirling it around, deep in though, wondering if Shepard was closer than they thought, "Hey, you think Shepard could actually be here?"

Kaidan turned to him, curiosity grabbing at him, "The trail has led us here. Maybe she is here."

Joker sighed, frustrated that they didn't understand, "Have thought about what might happen if you find her?"

"What do you mean?" Kaidan asked.

"Well, what will you say to her, be angry, upset? What if she not in the right mind?"

"Joker, she's Shepard. Nothing will be wrong with her mind."

"See, that is the problem. Every one just expects Shepard to keep going, to stay strong. But why should she? She's not devoid of emotion, you know."

"Joker's right. Lola has made some tough choices, watched people she cared about die. Her reputation has taken repeated beatings. Maybe she hasn't got any more to give."

"If that was the case, she should have just explained it to us," Tali added.

"Maybe she was worried we wouldnt understand," Joker replied, shaking his head.

Everyone around the table stayed silent, pondering Joker's words. Maybe Joker had a point, she kept up that façade for everyone, to keep them going, after all if Shepard was hopeless, everyone else would be too. Kaidan sighed, looking around the bar, when a woman caught his eye. She was tall, blonde, toned slender legs, the upper part of her face hidden, all carried with a confident walk, he almost allowed himself to think that was Shepard.

"In any case, we should at least see where this trail leads us," Said Liara calmly, "If it leads us to Shepard at all, then we should give her the opportunity to tell us what she wants, and we should have the chance to say a proper farewell if needed. I don't, however, think it would be wise to drop the mission here."

"I agree with Liara," Said Garrus, glimpsing the blonde that passed by, "Shepard was our friend, and she owes it to us to tell us to leave her the hell alone to our faces. This whole thing reeks of a conspiracy."

Joker shook his head, standing up, "You people are like a dog with a bone," He limped to the toilets needing to get from the crew, frustrated at their inability to understand. If she was alive, it was obvious to him before the war ended, that she would have more problem mentally and physically, than any one could imagine. That said, he wouldnt get excited about her being alive, until she actually in front of him. As he limped out of the toilets, a solid figure bump right into, sending shock waves of aches through his body. When he looked up, he was stunned, as the wide violet eyes of his Commander, stared at him with fear in her eyes.

They stood staring at each other from a few minutes and Joker, couldn't help but notice that she seemed different. Almost like she was broken and sad, not the Commander he knew, but not totally unexpected, "Sorry ma'am," He smiled, sadly, "I walked straight into you."

She watched as he walked away, squeezing her arm gently as he did. He had seen her, but somehow, she knew she didn't need to worry about him telling any one. So worried, was she about Kaidan seeing her, she neglected to thinking about the other crew that might have been lingering around. She rushed back to her apartment, tears already streaming down her face. It ached so much to see them, to see Kaidan, but she couldn't face them, her mind was now a hostile place, she could never inflict herself on them again.


	4. Dancing on my own

_Shepard stood at the galaxy map, in a deserted CIC. The crew had vanished, not even Joker could be found in his chair. She felt so constricted, unable to move as the walls closed in around her. She fell to her knees, clutching at her chest. Suddenly, she realised she wasn't alone, turning quickly to see Kaidan towering above her, "Kaidan? What do you want?" She sneered, desperately reaching for her gun._

_"You killed EDI and the Geth, Shepard. It's time to pay."_

_"Leave me alone," She tried scramble away, still hopelessly reaching for her weapon._

_"You don't deserve to live, Shepard."_

_In a flash, Shepard lunged at Kaidan, plunging a knife into his stomach. Seeing what she had done, she let go, backing away, "I'm so sorry, Kaidan…"_

She woke with a gasp, pushing the sweaty hair from her face. Tears fell freely as she started to sob. The guilt over her choice was going to eat her alive. She deserved punishment, as once again, she picked another friend to die. She sat with her between her legs, trying to steady her breathing. It felt so real to her when she plunged that knife in his gut and the shock on his face, as if she had betrayed him.

Her omni tool bleeped, making her jump, "What do you want, Hackett?" She growled.

"Shepard? Are you ok?"

"No, not really. Did you need something?"

"Major Alenko, came to see me."

"Oh?"

"He has successfully tracked you down."

"What? How did he find me?" She stood up and begun pacing around the room. She couldn't face them. She wasn't ready.

"I think your friend, the Shadow broker, helped out there."

"Fuck," she mumbled under her breath. "Alright, have a shuttle ready for me in fifteen. I'll be packed and ready to go by then."

Hackett did not seem convinced. "Shepard, are you sure this is wise? They are your friends after all-"

"This isn't up for debate, Hackett," snapped Shepard, not even caring that he was her superior. "They can't find me, not now, not until I want them to, do you understand?"

There was silence for a few moments then Hackett sighed heavily. "Fine, your shuttle is on its way."

Shepard let out a slight sigh. "Good, thank you."

She hurriedly begun packing her belongings, trying to find them all scattered around the apartment. In her bid to rush, she forget her picture of Kaidan on the dresser. She stepped out of the apartment, feeling a sharp sting in her neck. She stumbled forward, suddenly caught by someone. At first she thought it was Kaidan, but then she heard the voice of a stranger, standing next to her. Last thing she remembered was his voice, " _Tell the Illusive man, we got her."_

* * *

 

Kaidan stepped in to the apartment that Shepard had been using, his eyes scanning the room, eyes listening out for any sign of its last occupant. His shoulders sagged in defeat when it became apparent, Shepard was no longer in the apartment. He moved to sit down on the bed, grabbing one of the pillows to smell it. It had her scent all over it; fresh cherries and soap. He put the pillow down when Garrus walked into the room, "She's not here," He sighed sadly, putting his head in his hands.

Garrus shook his head, looking around the had got so close to her and she slipped away again. He wanted and tried to understand why she had to get away, that he could easily understand, what he didn't get was why she wanted to escape from them. He got lost in his thoughts, when he saw it; a black holdall laying discarded by the door. Picking it up, he opened it, seeing clothes and other items inside; it was her bag. "Kaidan, this is her bag."

"What?" He asked, standing up to take the bag from Garrus, "What if she didn't go willingly."

"Maybe she went out. We should wait for a while."

"Go back to the ship. I'll stay."

"I should speak to Hackett," Garrus left Kaidan in the apartment on his own, knowing his friend needed time alone.

Kaidan sighed as he sat back down, noticing something black just poking out from underneath another pillow on the bed. He reached out to it, pulling it out from under the pillow. His heart stopped when he saw the picture of himself with his arm around her. She was thinking about him, went to bed thinking about him, missing him. A tear slipped down his cheek as he touched her face, "Oh Honey, why did you run?"

Hackett hovered in front of his personal terminal, pressing the call button again, hoping for an answer. He had tried Shepard over a dozen times after his informant told him Shepard never got on the shuttle. The informant went to her apartment, only to find her crew, hanging around long enough to know, they didn't find her either. Hackett knew that her crew would come to him, being her superior. He could lie to them when they came asking questions, but he knew they would never buy it and deep down, he knew it was in Shepard's best interests to give them the full story.

Sure enough, Kaidan and the others walked into his office, quite literally on a mission. "Major Alenko. Admiral Zorah. Officer Vakerian. Dr T'Soni. What do I owe the pleasure?"

"Shepard is alive. Did you know that?" Kaidan asked, his face blank, emotionless, which worried a normally, unshakable Hackett.

He sighed, gestering them all to sit, "Yes, I know."

The façade Kaidan kept in place, momentarily slipped at the admission of his superior. "With all due respect, sir….what the hell happened?"

Hackett slumped back in his chair, "She came to me just before the battle for Earth. She said if she survived, she wanted to disappear for a while. Keeping it from you was never part of the plan."

"So what changed?" Asked Garrus.

"Shepard changed," said Hackett quietly. "She's . . . she thinks she's not the woman she was before."

"How did she change?" Liara rubbed her temples, wanting some understanding of Shepard's state of mind. "What happened on the Citadel?"

"I read Chakwas' reports on how she was coping. She was just about holding on before the battle, but I pushed her. Afterwards she gave me the full story of what happened. The Illusive man, Anderson getting shot. But after that…that broke her. She was given a choice by the catalyst…."

"A choice?" Tali interrupted. "I thought the Citadel was the catalyst."

"We all did, but Shepard found the truth. She was given the choice to destroy, control or unite, organics and synthetics."

"She chose destroy. It's what we worked for," Kaidan stated.

"Right. But it came with a price. All of the choices did. Either with her life or someone else's."

"Someone else's?" They said quietly in unison.

"You have seen what happened to the Geth and EDI. Shepard chose that to happen. She wanted to live and picked an option that meant, she could but she was sacrificing others."

"Is that how you feel?" Asked Kaidan.

"No, it never could be. But that is how she feels. She thinks herself selfish, that she chose her friend to die…..again." He looked at Kaidan, knowing he would understand, after all, she chose to save him over Ashley. "She feels she has let you all down. Joker especially. She is ashamed. A therapist would call it, "Survivor's guilt" She feels guilty for living when so many aren't."

"Does….does she miss us, at all?" Kaidan gulped down the lump in his throat, as a three taloned hand squeeze his shoulder.

"Achingly so…..she thinks you'd be better off without her."

Kaidan slumped forward, his head in hands, "She's wrong," He whispered.

Garrus gestured to Tali and Liara to comfort him, before turning back to Hackett, "We went the apartment. She was gone, but her bag was still there."

Hackett shook his head, "She was meant to leave, but if she left her bag….."

".…Then someone got to her."

He nodded, "Cerberus."

Garrus growled lowly, "Cerberus!"

Kaidan stood up quickly, shrugging of Tali and Liara's attempts to comfort him, "We need to find her. I need to speak to Miranda."

The others watched as Kaidan left the office. "Find her. She needs help," Hackett pleaded. "It's time I came clean to Anderson."

* * *

 

Kaidan huffed out a frustrated breath as he hit the punch bag again, trying to relieve his anger and frustration. He wasn't really sure what he was angry about: Shepard, Cerberus, life in general, all three. Maybe he just angry at himself. He screamed out as he punched the bag over and over in quick succession.

"Woah, dude. Chill," Came James' voice as he strolled over to his work station.

"Not now, LT," He grunted, continuing his assault on the bag.

"Talk to me, L2."

"What's to talk about?"

James blocked Kaidan's view, forcing him to stop punching, "Spar with me."

Kaidan sighed as he reluctantly followed James to the middle of the shuttle bay. He threw a left handed jab, ducking James' own left handed punch, "I'm angry," He blurted out.

"With what?"

"Myself," He admitted.

"Why?"

"I let her take on too much."

"Nah, man. Lola is Lola. She did what she did, because people needed a saviour, so she became that saviour. She took the shit and the hits, because it was the right thing to do."

Kaidan threw a left and right, the latter connecting with James' cheek, "But why did she have to do it all. Who decided that she was the champion of galaxy?"

James snorted a laughed, shaking off his superior's hefty punch, "She did."

"No, she became it because people kept asking her to clean up their mess."

"She coulda said no, but she wouldn't because people's lives where at stake."

"I let her down, James. She took on so much and I didn't see that she was struggling."

"None of us did," James dodged after punch, puffing out a breath, "You know, Lola. She doesn't ever ask for help."

"I know. But I should have seen that she needed it."

"It was a bad time for all of us. You nearly died. We were all under pressure."

Kaidan's shoulders slumped in defeat, "I love her and I let her down."

James stood chest to chest with him, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get your head in the game and go get your girl back."

Kaidan rolled his shoulders, pulling himself straight, "Shepard was right about you."

James stood back in shock. They had been discussing him and for a solider like him, to have two Spectre's talk about him was an honour, "What did she say?"

"That you would go far," Kaidan cricked his neck before walking over to the bench to get his water bottle, "We have discussed you at length. She wants to put your name forward as a Spectre."

James felt his knees go a little weak. Being the third human Spectre would be a dream. Having the chance to follow in Shepard and Kaidan's footsteps is something that every good marine would aspire to, "Did she?" He gulped.

"She did. They asked for my endorsement. I happily gave it," He took a gulp of water before offering the bottle to James. "Just awaiting on their decision."

"I…I don't know what to say," James stumbled, humbled by Shepard and Kaidan's recognition of him.

"Don't say anything. Just cook me some dinner and we'll call it even."

James laughed as he shook Kaidan's hand, "Deal."

Both men got into lift to the mess hall, where the rest of the crew would be massing for dinner. Kaidan knew none of them would leave until they had a plate of James' food.


	5. The tale of two Shepards

_*Drip, drip, drip*_

The sound of the dripping water echoed around the small room, as the sole occupant stirred back to reality. She groaned, trying to sit up, only to find her arms strapped to the bed she lay on. Leaning her head up as far as she could, she took in her surroundings, seeing nothing but a sterile room, greys and off whites on the floor and walls, the source of her irritation; the sink. Resisting the urge to fall back asleep, she tried to think back on the last thing that she remembered; that sting on her neck, the call to the Illusive man. Was he really still alive? She shot him and watched him die, but maybe they had more luck with him, than they ever did with her.

She laid her head back, trying to steady her rapid breathing, only to snap it back up again when she heard the door to her cell open. For a breath moment, she thought she was seeing things when she walked into the room, _"Great, Another Cerberus clone,"_ She thought.

"Glad to see your awake, number one. Welcome back," The clone said with a sneer.

"Where am I?" Shepard croaked out, making her dry thought hurt.

"You've come home. This is where you where born.

"Lazarus station?"

"I guess you could say that," Said the clone. "So, I heard you were pretty easy to catch after all. Went down like a rock when they hit you with the tranquillizer."

Shepard scowled, "I was hardly easy to catch, they had to find me first."

The clone shrugged, "Okay, fine, say whatever makes you feel better."

Shepard scoffed, "So what number are you?"

"I'm number two. You met number three."

Shepard laughed, "Oh, you mean, little miss inferiority complex?"

The clone barked out a laugh, "That's the one. They fucked up with her," The clone loosened the straps, so Shepard could release her arms.

"How many clones does poor Shepard have?" She turned to face the clone, noting her shocked expression, "Yes, I know the real Shepard died."

The clone shook her head, "They made eleven in total. Two died in the growth stages. One after the maturation stage was complete. Three died during the transfer of the real Shepard's brain. Another two died when the bots went crazy. So me and you are the only ones left," She smirked at Shepard, malevolently, "Although, that is soon to change."

Shepard rolled her eyes as she took a swig a water from her cupped hands, "Let me guess. They want you to replace me?"

"That's the idea. I cant wait to get my hands on Major Alenko. Gonna get that man on a leash," She sat on the bed, kicking her legs so they swung back and hit the bed, knowing it was annoying Shepard, "Tell me. Did you fuck him?"

Shepard smirked, thinking of a pre planned answer that Kaidan had come up with, in preparation of such events, "Just once in London. Figured I was gonna die, so I thought fuck it, he's hot and I get to die happy."

"What was it like?"

Shepard couldn't believe she was getting into that conversation. They were trading girl gossip as if they were sisters. She did exactly that kind of thing with Tali and Liara, "It was exhilarating and comforting," She sighed thinking of Kaidan and how much she missed him, "He told me he was in love with me, I couldn't say it back."

"Why, didn't you love him?"

"It's not that. I was sure I was going to die, I didn't want the last thing I said to him to be that. I knew it would anchor him to a life of loneliness, forever mourning me. He deserves to be happy."

The clone felt the confusion hit her as she suddenly felt a bloom of empathy for her. This was Shepard, the enemy of Cerberus, but yet, there was just something about this woman she couldn't help but admire. She wanted to spare the Major a life of misery. She had been told that this woman would give up humanity on a plate, that she only cared about the glory, but here she was vulnerable, scared….. _human._ "It's weird….you are nothing like what I expected."

Shepard chuckled, sitting next to the clone, "I surprise a lot of people. So do you have a name…..a real name?"

"No, just number two."

She turned to her clone, admiring the delicate pink tinge to her cheeks, "You look like a Rose."

Rose looked at Shepard and saw something in her eyes, she couldn't quite recognise, then it dawned on her….. _genuine affection_. How did Shepard do that? Just draw her in so easily when she had been so awful to her the moment she entered the cell, "Why did you do all that you did, Shepard? No one ever thanked you for it?"

"Didn't do it for the gratitude. Did it because it was the right thing to do."

"And how are you so sure it was the right thing?" She asked. "Could you have done anything differently? Do you wish you had?"

"That's called regret," Replied Shepard. "And that's not the same thing as being unsure of the right thing."

Rose nodded, "So if you did it because it was the right thing, can you have regrets?"

Shepard almost laughed at the absurd question, "Of course you can have regrets. I have plenty of them, more than most I'm sure but I don't let that stop me from doing what I do. I just use them as a reminder for next time."

"I see," Said Rose quietly. "What do you regret?"

Shepard wiped a single tear away, "Things that I had no control over. My first loss as a Commander. I made him take point and he was killed. Having to choose Kaidan over my friend Ashley. I don't regret picking Kaidan, I just regret putting both them in that position."

"So why did you run? Away Major Alenko from especially?"

"When I found out I was a clone, I felt ashamed. I wasn't her…..she's dead."

"But you still remember your old crew?"

Shepard pushed her face into her hands, trying to shake off the nagging tiredness, "I guess I'm just struggling with the idea I have a whole new body but the same brain." Rose moved to but her arm around Shepard, but the door to the cell slid opened, making Shepard's widened with shock, "You…" She sneered.

"Welcome back, Shepard." A red haired woman, replied.

* * *

"What do you mean, Project Lazarus, failed?" Garrus growled angrily, banging his fist on metal as he leant over the table toward Miranda.

"Sit down, Garrus," Tali pulled her lover back into his seat, "Let her explain."

"Thanks, Tali." Miranda sighed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, "We tried to fix the damage done to Shepard's body but it was just too much."

"So that woman was just a clone?" Kaidan asked.

"Yes and No."

"And what does that mean?" Liara began to paced and like the rest of the crew, struggled with this new information.

"We had clones. We managed to clone Shepard's brain and put it in the clone. We had no idea if it would work, but it, she remembered everything."

"How can you say she isn't a clone?" Kaidan shouted, burying his face in his hands.

"Because she isn't. You know the first thing she asked me, when she woke?"

"What?" Kaidan replied quietly.

"She asked about all of you. Her love for you was the first thing that entered her head. This is no lie." She turned to Joker, "Do you remember her face, when she saw you? Her eyes lit up in relief. Finally someone she trusted."

"I do." Joker sucked in a breath as he was about reveal the secret he kept from them. "I saw her."

Kaidan snapped his head around, toward his friend, "What?! When?!"

"On Terra Nova," He replied in barely more than a whisper, "I didn't tell you because she looked so terrified. Like something inside of her were broken."

Garrus stormed towards Joker, easily towering over him, "You are pretty stupid at times, Joker. But this is extra special."

"Get out of my face, Garrus!"

Garrus growled, snarling, showing all his teeth, "What you gonna do, Joker?" Hit me?"

Liara laughed, humourlessly, "Hit him, Garrus, he deserves it."

James forced himself between them to defend him, "Back off, loco. I will put you on your back." Suddenly the mess hall descended into loud, angry voices and threats of violence.

Tali got up from her seat, climbing onto the table, "WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP, YOU BOSH'TETS," She screamed as loud as she could. Once the room was quiet, she jumped down off the table, ordering them all to sit, "I cant believe you people. We are meant to be a family and Garrus it threatening to hit Joker. And you Liara, encouraging him. Our friend, our Shepard has been kidnapped, probably by Cerberus and we are debating whether she really is Shepard." She started to shake, she was that angry, having to breathe deeply to stop her chest from getting tight, "You should be ashamed, all of you. Of course its Shepard. Who else would do what she did. When I was facing charges, she helped me with even a slight hint of hesitation. Garrus, she helped you with Sidonis, stopping you from making the biggest mistake of your life. This must be the reason, she ran away. The thought of you reacting like this must have terrified her."

All of them hung their heads in shame, knowing that Tali was right. She did so much, helped anyone and they were questioning something, deep down they knew the answer to, "After Horizon, it was my birthday. She sent me a gift," Kaidan chuckled slightly, "A gift, even though I walked away from her."

"We can keep debating this or I can use my Cerberus contacts to find her. Your choice, Major."

"Find her. You and Liara, dig anywhere, do anything. Just find out where these bastards took her."

Later that night, Miranda and Liara were hard at work, trying to find a trail leading to Shepard. Miranda went through her contacts when a message popped up, "That's weird."

"What is it?" Liara asked, looking at the same screen as Miranda.

"It looks like it's coming from the Lazarus station. I thought it was destroyed the day Shepard woke up."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. That's what the Illusive man told me."

"Well what does it say?

* * *

Rose stood at the window of Shepard's cell, looking in on her. Shepard was highly drugged up after being severely beaten by her bosses lackeys. After Shepard destroyed the Collector ship and left the Illusive man in the dirt, she was told that Shepard was a traitor to them and humanity. She wasn't to be trusted, yet she managed to unpick all the lies told. Rose had never left that station but she read a lot, her favourite story was about two sisters, making her dream about a normal live and a family. She felt something towards the infamous Commander, an affection and desire to get to know her. _"No,"_ She said to herself. She couldn't allow this to happen to her. Shepard wasn't done yet, she didn't deserve this end after she saved everyone.

Rose waited until the night staff had come on duty before sneaking into the archive. She remembered a woman named Miranda, even heard the boss talking quite disparagingly, especially after she defected. If this woman defected on to Shepard's side, maybe she could help. She knew that the price of doing it would mean her life, but for Shepard, it was a worthy sacrifice. She finally found a way to contact Miranda, preying that she would receive the message.

_Operative Lawson,_

_I have only met you once, but I hope I can trust you._

_I am clone number two, on Lazarus station. I have been in the archives. I know the Illusive man told you this station was destroyed, but after you left, they managed to repair the damage, the mechs had done._

_Shepard is….._

Rose felt the blow of the back of her head, dazing her but she remained concious. She turned enough to catch of a glimpse of her boss. With what she had left of her waning strength, she groped around for anything that felt heavy and swung with all the force she could, connecting with her target. Shaking off the grip of blackness briefly, she managed to hit send before she passed out.

* * *

"Oh my god. It's from one of the clones. They have Shepard."

Liara moved Miranda out the way slightly, "There's no co ordinates."

"Can you trace it?"

"I'm the Shadow broker. I can find anything."


	6. A way back home

Liara laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying but failing to fall asleep. She had worked herself to exhaustion, trying to find any clue to Shepard's whereabouts. They suspected that Cerberus has taken her but had no clue to where and since the galaxy was a awfully large place, they had no point in which to start their search.

"Dr T'Soni?" She groaned when she heard Glyph's synthesised voice call out to her.

"What is it, Glyph?"

"I was monitoring Cerberus channels as you asked. I found something that may be of interest to you, concerning Admiral Shepard."

She threw the covers off and leapt out of bed, "Show me!" She demanded as she took a seat at the console. There it was; a very real confirmation of Cerberus involvement in Shepard's disappearance and a possibility of getting her back.

_To: Operative Childs_

_From: The Illusive man_

_Operative Jensen will be in the Eternity bar on Illium to exchange the handover details. Shepard's body will be transferred between stations to begin her conditioning._

_I do not need to remind you about the importance of this handover. It has taken months to track Shepard down and even longer to corner her. Her crew know that she is alive and will come to her rescue._

_Get the job done. We can not afford to lose Shepard again._

Liara shook with rage; they talk about her as if she was a valued commodity, instead of the wonderful person that she was. She knew that they had intercept the information as it was the best opportunity to retrieve her. She could only hope that they weren't too late to save her from whatever Cerberus had planned. "EDI? Wake Kaidan," She called out.

A few minutes later, Kaidan walked in her room, still in his nightwear and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, "What is it, Liara?"

"We need to get Illium. Two Cerberus operatives are meeting to discuss the transfer of Shepard between stations. We need to be there to get that information."

Kaidan hugged his Asari friend, "Well done, Liara. You've just got us even closer."

* * *

Matriarch Aethyta watched the patrons come and go from her place behind the bar. She had a call come in from Liara, near begging for help. Two Cerberus operatives where expected to come in and the Matriarch needed to keep them there. She had a plan, largely involving some booze, some strong sleeping medication and a well placed dancer. The Matriarch knew of the desperate need to get information from them. It was her crew, who had lost their leader, eager to see her again, that swayed her into helping. She would have helped because Liara had asked, but it was more than that. She liked Shepard, recognizing the fierce determination in her soul, her drive to help those who could help themselves.

Aethyta watched as a well dressed man entered the bar, taking a seat in a secluded area, nervously shifting in his seat, looking around as if he was trying to see any one he might recognise. Aethyta nodded to the dancer who took her place, ready to pick up the conversation with a hidden device. Well over an hour later, a middle aged woman with a huge sense of authority and entitlement strolled in. That woman irked the Matriarch, so much so that her instincts told her that was who she was waiting for. She pressed her hidden ear piece so she could listen to the conversation.

"Operative Childs?" Jensen sat down opposite her male counterpart.

"Yes. You have the information?"

Jensen clicked her fingers to summon the waitress, ordering two drinks, "Shepard is going to be moved next week. The Alliance are sure she's alive, so it has to go smoothly."

"How do they plan to make sure she wont escape?"

Jensen scoffed, smirking, "She has been drugged so much, she wont remember who she is, never mind trying to escape."

"Good. It'll make her more agreeable."

"Oh and if you let your people play with her, make them go easy. One of my guys nearly broke her nose."

"Does that matter?" Childs took a swig of his drink, grimacing at the sour taste.

"Yes, it matters. Our orders were to capture and deliver her, not rape and beat her to near death." Jensen took a sip of her drink, making the same face as her companion, "Did your drink taste funny?"

Childs stood up, gripping the edge of the table to keep himself upright, "Let's get out of here." Before either of them could leave the bar, both were face down on the floor, quickly succumbing to the effects of the spiked drinks.

"Help me," said Aethyta as she hurried over to the collapsed operatives. She and the waitress moved the bodies behind the bar, making sure that they were hidden away from prying eyes.

"Won't they be missed?" asked the waitress, knowing why Aethyta had done what she did.

Aethyta shook her head. "No, Liara has a plan for that."

* * *

Kaidan and Liara waited in her old apartment for Aethyta to return with news. Kaidan paced back and forth, muttering under his breath. Liara sighed, watching as he moved, "Kaidan, sit down before you wear a hole in the floor."

"I'll sit down when I have Honey there to sit with me."

"Will you tell her?"

He stopped to look at his friend, "Tell her what?"

"That you love her."

Kaidan walked towards the window, shoulders slumping down, "I'm more concerned with getting her back, not my feelings."

Liara getting up, moving to his side, "She's going to need you. So be there for her."

Both of them turned to the door, when it slid open, revealing Aethyta, "Well?" Kaidan asked, hopeful.

"I got it," She had the data pad over to Liara, "You need to find her fast. They aren't treating her well."

"Ok, this is what we need," Liara stated, "She is being moved next week. It mentions a small freighter, obviously trying to make it look inconspic-," She stopped her sentence when the squad walked in, sensing the anger radiating from all of them.

"You both will want to hear this," Garrus practically growled.

EDI stepped forward, holding a data pad in her hand, "Glyph and I had been monitoring the Cerberus channels with Miranda when we decided to trace the source of the messages."

"Whoever sent them was very clever," Miranda shook her head, "It took some digging but we found it. The messages originated from the Normandy."

The air in the room suddenly felt very heavy to all of them, unable to stomach the idea that there was a mole on the Normandy, "Any idea who it is?" Kaidan asked, rage boiling up inside him.

Tali stood silent as the others debated. She knew no one present in that room would ever betray Shepard, they simply loved her too much. They needed a plan; a trap, "Let's set a trap."

Garrus picked up the data pad, nodding his head in agreement, "We can use this to our advantage. We can spread it among the crew that we plan to intercept the operatives. Whoever this bastard is, they'll warn them and we can monitor all crew comms."

"That's pretty risky. We are counting on them contacting the operatives and not the kidnappers," James interjected, pointing out the flaw in the plan.

"It's worth the risk if we can find this person and get Shepard home quicker," Liara turned to Kaidan as ultimately, it was his decision, "Kaidan. You're the CO. What shall we do?"

"We go with Garrus' idea and hope it works."

* * *

Kaidan stood by the galaxy map, waiting for the plan to fall into action. Despite being the CO of the Normandy for nearly a year now, it still didn't seem right for him to be stood at the map, issuing Normandy had always been and would continue to be Shepard's ship.

"Are you ok, Major?" Traynor's voice pulled him from his thoughts. He really wasn't in the mood to deal with her nosiness, but he supposed she meant well.

"Just thinking about Shepard."

"Have you any idea of where she might be?"

"No," He lied, "She's out there somewhere." He turned when the lift doors opened, revealing Liara.

"Kaidan, we found something."

"Let me hear it."

"We used the codes Miranda gave us. Glyph found an email. Two Cerberus operatives are meeting tonight on Illium." Liara knew that the mole could be listening, so decided to draw out a performance worthy of an award, "Kaidan, we are in orbit of Illium still, lets go get these bastards and beat the truth out them," Tears streamed from her eyes, as she hugged Kaidan, all for the listening audience.

He had to admit, he was impressed. Liara wasn't known for her acting skills but after this, he was convinced she had missed her true calling, "Get Garrus. Let's go kidnap some Cerberus lackeys."

After the ship docked, Kaidan disembarked with Garrus and Liara, leaving Tali, Miranda and EDI monitoring the Cerberus channels again. They waited for an hour, but no message was sent to over the channel to warn the operatives. Miranda grunted in annoyance, slamming her fist on the desk, "They must have used a more secure channel."

"What about the operatives omni tools? Let's see if a message has been sent to them," Tali suggested, immediately setting to work to hack the omni tools. A message quickly popped up, the women thanking the galaxy for the arrogance of the sender.

_To: Operative Childs_

_From: The Illusive man_

_The Normandy crew intercepted the previous message. Be on look out for Major Alenko, Dr T' T'Soni and Advisor Vakerian. The plan to move Shepard will change._

_I can not risk them finding out where she is. If you see them, take them out. I don't care how or how messy it gets, they must not get to Shepard._

_Get it done!_

"Arrogant bastard!" Miranda sneered, "Let's trace this message. Joker have you got eyes on the crew?"

"Yep, I can see all departments. Steve and James have most of the crew entertained in the -" Joker suddenly went quiet.

"Joker?" Tali called out.

"Shhhhh. Traynor is currently stood at Kaidan's private terminal. EDI, can you see what she is doing?"

"I can. It appears she is sending a message to the Alliance Headquarters as Major Alenko. She is claiming you are the mole, Jeff."

"What!" He whispered, harshly.

"Keelah," Tali gasped, "Traynor is the mole."

Joker called the shore party back to the ship, having already informed them of their conclusion. As soon as they entered the ship, the shouting made it to their ears, the crew having apparently learned of the news, "Speak, primitive." Javik snarled.

"Is Shepard at the Minuteman station?" Miranda demanded.

"I don't what you are talking about," Traynor pretended to cry, holding her bruised face after Tali punched on the left cheek.

"Cut the act, Traynor. You are the one pretending to be the Illusive man."

"Enough!" Javik growled. He gripped Traynor by the arms, forcing himself into her mind, "She is there, but the station is set to explode if enemy ships get near."

Traynor laughed, "You'll never get her back, She belongs to Cerberus."

Kaidan drew his gun, pressing it to Traynor's head, "How are your parents, Traynor?"

She sneered at him, "Stay away from them."

"Oh, I will, but you gotta give me Shepard. If you don't, I will have Spectres pull your poor sick mother from that hospital and into a prison. Your choice, decide now."

"You wouldn't."

"Oh I would. For Shepard, I would kill and since I'm a Spectre, I'm allowed to."

"Fine! The codes are on my terminal."

Kaidan pulled her away from the bulkhead and pushed her towards James, "Lock this bitch in the AI core."

The crew stood in disbelief at one of their own willing to betray Shepard, "I cant believe she was Cerberus and we didn't know," Garrus pulled his mandibles tight, clenching his fists.

"You should have let me shove her out of the airlock."

"We are still docked, Javik," Liara reminded him.

"I could have waited."

* * *

Kaidan waited at his vantage point with Garrus, waiting for Cerberus to deliver Shepard. They called in a favour from Aria' T'Loak, who still had the gangs of Omega had her thumb. With not so gentle prodding and outright threats to have them killed, the gangs willingly laid in wait as Aria arrived at the meeting point, under the pretence of buying Shepard. A shuttle landed, Cerberus soldiers stepping out, "Aria T'Loak?"

Aria didn't bother to respond, instead gave the signal for the gangs to start shooting. Once the gun fire stopped, Kaidan and Garrus joined her, "You owe me for this."

Garrus scoffed, "And here I thought you gained a heart."

"Fuck you. Get her out of here," Aria walked off, apparently not serious about payment for her services.

Kaidan climbed into the shuttle, his heart stopping instantly when all he saw was a pod that looked like a coffin. He signalled to Garrus to help him remove the lid. Inside, Shepard lay, eyes closed as monitors around her bleeped. Both men had to look away, shocked at all the bruises that marred her skin, her face covering in purple and yellow marks. Kaidan shakily moved to caress her skin, "Honey," He whispered.

The heart rate monitor started to bleep more rapidly, but still in a steady rhythm, "Kai…" She breathed out, coming silent once again.

Garrus climbed into the cockpit, ready to pilot the shuttle back to the Normandy. Kaidan stayed by her side, quietly willing her to open her eyes. He clutched at her hand, stroking the skin with his thumb, "I love you," She meekly tried to squeeze his hand in reply, making him more to determined to see her through her recovery.


	7. Awake

The Alliance hospital in London, wasn't as busy as it had been just after the war. Once the word was given that the reapers had been defeated, every inch of the hospital was utilized to treat injured soldiers. Over time, the patients either got better or sadly died, leaving only the more longer term occupants. Now guards patrolled the corridors, guarding a very important soldier, one that had been thought dead.

Kaidan sipped at his steaming cup of herbal tea, laying on the makeshift bed in Shepard's hospital suite. The hospital hadn't intended the Major stay in her room, but after the third day of him sleeping in a chair, the staff wouldn't allow it, organising a bed for him to sleep on. Kicking him out just wasn't an option either, they knew he'd never leave her side. He waited for the doctors to come in to give him update on her condition, mentally preparing himself for the worst. He looked up, as the door open, revealing a familiar face, " Dr Chakwas? What are you doing here?"

Chakwas hugged Kaidan before tugging at him lightly, as if she were making sure he was taking care of himself. "The Normandy has docked for a few weeks so I offered my expertise on Shepard."

"So, what's the diagnosis?" Asked Kaidan as he moved to her side.

"It's not good, Kaidan," She gave him a sad smile, knowing he desperately needed good news. "She's got a lot of drugs in her system. She's taken several beatings….they found evidence of sexual assault too."

He felt his knees buckle underneath him, slumping into a chair that Chakwas scrambled to get to him. "Oh god…Is there a chance she might be…?"

"No, we treated every possibility that might come from that."

He rubbed as his temples, wincing in pain, "What are her chances?"

"Kaidan, sweetheart. I'll be honest with you, she just might not have the strength to recover from this. She's suffered a lot of trauma."

Tears formed in his eyes as he approached her bed, the need to touch her, overwhelmed him. "You know, whenever my mum nagged me about settling down, I always imagined that Honey would be the one I settled down with."

"You could have proposed any time, any where and she would have said yes."

"I hope, where ever she is, Ashley is there to guide her back to me."

"She'll come back. She knows you are waiting for her."

"Thanks, Karin."

"I'll come in tomorrow. Make sure you get some sleep." The Doctor left, Kaidan deciding to take her advice. He needed more than the hour or two he normally got. If Shepard did wake, he needed to be rested and healthy.

Kaidan was half asleep when the Council arrived, including Anderson for update on both of the human Spectres. "Councillors, I didn't expect you to arrive so soon." He quickly scrambled to his feet.

"At ease, Major," Anderson chucked, shaking the younger man's hand.

Tevos handed out a data pad to Kaidan, stepping to Shepard's side when he took it, "We came to tell you that with the Alliance, we will deal with all the expenses of Shepard's care and living expenses for the both of you for life."

"That's very generous of you. Thank you."

"We owe Shepard," Sparatus stood beside Kaidan, hands placed behind his back, "If she recovers, the least she deserves is to live her life quietly and in comfort."

"If she recovers….." Kaidan sighed, stroking at her hair, "If she doesn't, then I plan to return to the Alliance."

"We understand." Tevos smiled at him briefly. "We have organised a home close by for you and your crew to stay. When she wakes, she'll need a place to recuperate."

"I spoke to Primarch Victus. He was asking if you would allow him to visit?" Sparatus asked gently, not wanting to put pressure on the Major.

"It's fine. Shepard is fond of the Primarch."

Anderson placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze, "The Quarians have also asked. They are happy to wait though."

"If people want to visit, Anderson, let them. Give them a day and time. I'll trust your judgement on who you allow to come in."

"What about the crew?"

"They can come, any time and stay as long as they want. That includes her old Cerberus crew. They mean everything to her, I wont deny them."

"Of course. Get some sleep, Major. She'll only try and kick your ass if you don't," Anderson and Kaidan shared a chuckle, knowing that she would try. Once the Councillors left, he slipped into bed, the world of slumber, eagerly pulling him in.

The hum of the machine had been a comfort, a reminder of sorts, she was still alive and they weren't ready to give up on her. But she didn't like the darkness, it was cold and suffocating. In that darkness was another sound, like a beacon that guided her towards home, safety. It was something she had heard many times before, often falling asleep to that gentle, soft rhythm. She moved slowly, tentatively trying to locate the source. When she found it, a little gasp escaped from her lips before sleep claimed her again.

* * *

Kaidan groaned as the voices outside of the room grew louder. With a grunt, he kicked off his covers, planting his feet down on the cold, tiled floor. As he approached the door, he recognized the voices of his friends, arguing with the guard at the door.

Outside the room, the Normandy crew, got more agitated for the guard and his repeated words that he was only acting on orders. "What's going on?" Asked Kaidan.

"They wont let us in, L2." James angrily shoved at the guard, who had no fear about shoving him back.

"I thought you were told they could come in at any time."

"Orders from Alliance brass, sir." The guard saluted.

"Overruled. Spectre authority." He walked back into the room after the guard had begrudgingly stepped aside, letting the crew passed.

"How is she, Kaidan?" Garrus asked, taking a seat by the hospital window.

"They think that she might have moments of awareness. They are hopeful that she will wake."

"And how are you, Kaidan?" Liara handed him a plate of food. They had come prepared, knowing that Kaidan probably wasn't eating well as he was far too concerned about Shepard than himself, like always. "You look tired."

"I'm fine, Liara," He insisted. "I just wanted her to wake up."

"I know. Probably the longest she's ever rested."

Kaidan chuckled, "You're probably right." He took a bite of his food, savouring the taste before he swallowed as it was a lot better than the hospital's offerings to him.

"So, have you heard much about the world outside these four walls?" Asked James as he sat down on the nearest flat surface.

Kaidan shook his head before swallowing. "Not really, I've focused mainly on coordinating relief efforts, I haven't been watching the news lately."

Garrus shrugged. "Not much has happened. We've been able to rebuild some of what was lost. Construction on the relay has been all but finished. The quarians are earning their spot on the Council with that."

"I've decided to retire from the Alliance." Kaidan rested his head against the back of the sofa, sighing deeply. "If Honey wakes up then I want to be with her. I don't want to be pulled away when she's trying to pull herself back together again."

"We understand that." Said Tali, patting him gently on the knee. "Besides, James has been doing a fine job of commanding the Normandy."

"Yes, James has important news but wont tell us what it is." Garrus jabbed playfully at his friend's bicep.

"I want Lola to be the first to know, Scars. Her approval is important to me." The crew descended into mindless gossip, mainly just to take their minds off the situation with Shepard and the fear that she wouldn't recover.

As they chatted, Shepard moved, responding to the familiar voices that surrounded her. Her body ached worse than the time a piece of a Reaper landed on her. "Kai…Kaidan," She called out, trying to open her eyes.

He moved quickly to her side, clutching at her hand, "I'm here, Honey."

She blinked furiously, trying shake off the heaviness in her eyes, "Where am I?"

"A hospital in London. I'm going to get the doctors." Once the doctors had done their checks on Shepard and she was moved into a sitting position, it was time for the crew to address the elephant in the room. It was a question they all needed an answer to. "Honey, why did you run?" Kaidan asked, gently.

"I don't know how to explain it." She started to sob, tears streaming down her cheeks, After everything, after losing Thessia, then on the Citadel, when I….chose EDI and the Geth to die. Then I survived, so many didn't. They deserved to live, I'm just a coward. I let so many people down. Joker included."

The crew looked towards each other, all sharing the same pain. She was far from a coward, she was their beautiful, fierce leader, who jumped into the fire for them more than once, just so they didn't have to. She listened to them, protected them, loved them. She had a courage that she passed on to others. "Shepard, you are far from a coward." Garrus gently caressed her face, turning her to face him, "You need to realise just who you really are."

"Garrus is right, Shepard." Said Liara. "You've done so much. Much more than any else would dare to do. EDI and the Geth have been fixed. The galaxy is healing. It's time you started living for yourself."

Shepard yawned, prompting Kaidan to act, "I think Honey needs to rest now."

"We'll come by tomorrow. I'm sure Joker will want to see you."

One by one, the crew gave her a kiss on the cheek, ending with James. "I made Spectre," He whispered in her ear.

She smiled, her face lighting up as she caressed his cheek with the back of her hand, "I knew you would."

Once the crew had left, Kaidan slipped into Shepard's hospital bed, using an arm to pull her close to him. "Kaidan?"

"Mmm, yes, Honey?"

"You didn't find any other Shepard's did you?"

"No. Why do you ask?" He asked, confused.

"So did Garrus threaten to punch, Joker?"

Kaidan laughed, "Of course not. Garrus would never do that. Why?"

"Not important." Shepard stayed quiet, after the confirmation that she had dreamt about having a clone. Something else entered her head, as her eyes closed, enjoying the sensation of his fingers gently massaging her head. "Kaidan. I heard what you said."

He tensed slightly with a mixture of hope and fear. "Said what?"

"You said, I love you."

"I did.

"I love you, too." She smiled as she felt his lips on her forehead and she drifted off to sleep, cocooned in the arms of the man she loved.

* * *

 

It was still dark when Shepard woke up, Kaidan sleeping peacefully on his bed, having moved at some point in the early hours. She opened up her omni tool, hoping to find something to watch. Suddenly, it pinged, taking her by surprise, telling her that she had incoming call. She accepted it, her stomach clenching, "Hi, Joker."

"Hi, Shepard." She noted he seemed sad, very unlike Joker. He normally did grumpy or sarcastic, never anything in between. "You're an idiot."

"Say it like you mean it, Joker."

"I'm serious, Shepard. How could you think I'd be mad at you?"

The tears started again as she thought about EDI. "I chose EDI to die. I didn't think you'd ever forgive me for that."

"Shepard." She gasped as she heard EDI's synthesised voice. She knew that EDI had been fixed, but she still carried that weight of guilt. "Shepard, You made the right choice. I can be fixed relatively easy, you are not so easy to fix. I would willingly give my life for you, Shepard. It pleases me that you didn't have to give your life for the galaxy."

Shepard wiped away her tears, "Thanks, EDI."

"See, Shepard. She's fine so stop with the fucking pity party. Pity is beneath you."

"You're such an ass."

"I know. But seriously, I could never be mad at you. We've been through too much together to lose each other now. After what happened on Tiptree….." Joker paused briefly, swallowing back his tears over his family, "You are all the family I have left now and I love you too much to lose you."

"I love you, Joker but I'm not all you have. I might be your only blood relative, but we have a crew of crazies we call, family."

"I know. It's just hard to deal with it."

"Sorry I haven't been there for you. But I'm here now."

"Stop apologising, Shepard. Now get some sleep. Oh, and Shepard….."

"Yes, Joker?"

"Look after Kaidan. He's put in for retirement to be with you."

Shepard looked over to her sleeping room mate, "I will. Night Joker."

"Night, Shepard."


	8. Mood Swings

Shepard wasn't sure just how she got so far away from the hospital. She couldn't even remember leaving in to the dim morning light and winter crisp in the air. Wondering around, the streets, something drew her to one in particular. She remembered it, but it wasn't quite the same as before, buildings had been either repaired or demolished. She kept on walking, until she came to a crater in the streets of London. The sickness in her stomach boiled over, making her vomit on the ground. She approached the edge of the crater, taking a seat on some concrete rubble.

Major Coats was taking a break outside of the ops centre, responsible for the clean up of that area of London. Even though it had been a year since the war ended, the clean up job was a huge and slow task, removing the rubble and recovering the deceased. He looked up, scouring the surroundings he was getting used to. spotting a figure, not to far away, sitting on some rubble, staring out in to the void where the beam was located. He instantly recognized the figure as Commander Shepard. He walked back in to the building, walking over to a follow soldier. "Lieutenant. Get Anderson down here."

"Aye, aye." The young Lieutenant saluted.

The Major kept watch over Shepard in the hour it took Anderson to arrive. She hadn't moved at all, just staring into space. He turned when he heard the Lieutenant greet the Admiral. "Admiral Anderson." He saluted.

"What is it, Major?"

"Shepard, sir." He pointed to solitary figure. "She's been sat there for over an hour."

Anderson approached the window, looking out to where Shepard sat. "How did she get so far?"

"It's seven in the morning, sir. Not a lot of people around to notice her."

"I'll go talk to her." Anderson made his way over to her, noting that she was shivering slightly. Taking his outer coat off, he draped it around her shoulders, before taking a seat next to her. "What are you doing here, Shepard?"

"I wanted some space." She picked up a rock and threw into the crater. "I watched a young man die in front of me, right down there. Barely more than a teen."

"Shepard, shall I get Kaidan?"

"No!" She shouted quickly. "I don't want to see him."

"Why not?" He put his hand on her shoulder, but pulled it away quickly when she flinched.

"They used me, you know." She whispered, looking around quickly as if she were afraid of someone watching.

"Who, Shepard?"

"Everyone. Even you." She gave him a quick nod before turning away from him. "I had to do it all. Save the galaxy and did any one thank me for it? No they didn't. I hear them judge me, as if they think the own me." She said, bitterly.

"Shepard. No one thinks that they own you."

"Oh really?" She scoffed. "Every time shit went down, its was all, "Shepard will fix it" and did I ever get a choice?"

"Shepard, where is all this coming from?" Anderson wasn't quite sure why he asked her that, he knew deep down why she was so angry. If he was in her position, he would be too.

"Years of pent up resentment." She sneered. "Sick to fucking death of having to be the saviour for every one. Kaidan hanging around me like a fucking love sick puppy. The crew pretending they ever gave a fuck about me. Just want them all to leave me the fuck alone!"

Anderson quickly got to his feet, immediately yanking Shepard up on to hers, holding her in front of him by her forearms. "You have no damn idea what they went through to find you, Shepard. Be angry all you want, but do not take it out on them."

"I can and will!" she shouted, her voice echoing in the empty street. "Do they have any fucking clue what I went through?!" She was panting heavily, the pain of recent transgressions stabbing at her. "I've lost everything and not one of those bastards care! Sure, they went on thinking I was dead . . . and honestly I wish I was . . . because what happened to me . . . being alive makes it worse."

"God dammit, Shepard." He struggled to keep his hold on her as she struggled to pull away. "They searched this entire galaxy to find you. Even when Cerberus had you, they still didn't stop."

"They needn't have bothered…..Let me go!" She slapped at his chest and shoulders trying to get away from him, but he was determined not to let her go.

Eventually, Anderson's patience failed, sick of her tantrum. He threw her over his shoulder, storming back to the building where Major Coats was standing by. "Major Coats, ready the shuttle…" He struggled to keep Shepard on his shoulder. "You'll have to pilot it."

"Aye, Aye, Sir." The Major saluted, rushing off to ready a shuttle to get them back to the hospital.

Kaidan sat with the crew in the waiting room as they waited for news on Shepard's whereabouts. His foot tapped nervously on the floor, his head leaning against a closed first. "I cant believe no one saw her leave." He tutted in disbelief.

"She can be rather….elusive, at times." Liara remarked.

Before any of the others could say a word, a scream interrupted the quiet, putting all the crew on high alert. Then Anderson stormed in with a struggling Shepard slung over his shoulder. "Doctor?!" He called out. "She's needs something to calm her down."

"Don't you fucking dare, Anderson!" Shepard yelled in his face, still trying to break the hold the had on her. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see a doctor moving towards them, then she caught a glimpse of a syringe. "Don't inject me with that. I'll fucking kill you, I swear!" She screamed out in a rage as the doctor injected her, the medication taking an instant effect and she went limp in Anderson's arms.

Kaidan stood by and watched in horror as the woman he loved, kicked and screamed at everyone until she quietened down. He wanted to step in and protect her but he was frozen, unable to comprehend that this angry woman was his Shepard. But yet, he understood. She had to be so angry with everything that she had been through, he'd have been worried if she wasn't. She was violated, imprisoned yet again, used and abused. He was pulled from his thoughts, when he heard a snippet of conversation between Anderson and the doctor overseeing Shepard's care. "Something you want to share, Anderson?"

The older man sighed, "Kaidan, we have to think about having her sectioned."

"You want to category 6 her?" Kaidan was incredulous that he could even suggest it after all she had been through. "For fuck sake, Anderson! She has been through hell and now you want to have her locked up again?"

"It's for her own good, Alenko."

"How can it be good for her? Alliance have already locked her up once. Then she is forced to lead a war that seemed hopeless. Then she had to run away just to escape people who hound her, followed by being kidnapped, drugged, beaten and raped. Now you want to throw her in a padded cell, all for her own good?!"

"We have no choice, Kaidan," Anderson soothed, trying to get him to see reason. "She's highly unstable."

"Forget it. Spectre authority and as her next of kin, I'm saying no. I'll take her and look after her."

"On your head be it, Kaidan if she does something stupid or dangerous."

"She wont. She just doesn't need to be man handled back into a hospital and injected with more drugs." Kaidan stormed away, heading into Shepard's room, where she lay conscious but subdued. "Honey?"

A small whimper escape her lips as she moved herself into the foetal position. "Go away."

"I'm not going any where, Honey." He spoke to her quietly, softly, stroking the back of her hand. "Do you remember after the battle with Saren, you said you wanted to get a dog when you retire?"

"I remember." She replied, quietly.

"I was thinking we could get one. A puppy, perhaps?"

"I have a puppy already," She whispered, brushing a hand over his knee.

Kaidan was puzzled then he realized what she meant and he chuckled. "Well, I might act like a puppy but it'd be better if you got a real one." He took her hand in his. "So, what kind of dog do you like?"

"Cocker spaniel. Cute, fluffy, soft. Remind you of any one?"

"Garrus?" He smirked at her.

She chuckled quietly, before squeezing his hand. "Please don't let them lock me up."

"I wont, Honey. I'm going to take you home."

"You made me angry."

Kaidan frowned at her, unsure as to what he did wrong. "How?"

"When I woke up. You and the crew interrogated me. It made me angry. It felt like you all thought I owed you an answer."

He hung his head in shame, wiping at his forehead with the back of his hand. She was right, they had no right to interrogate her in that way. She had her reasons and he failed to respect them. "You're right and I'm so sorry we did that to you. You had your reasons and I understand them."

"I forgive you, just don't do it again." She yawned, pulling the blankets around herself. "I'm going to sleep."

* * *

 It had been a week until Shepard was released from the hospital and another week later, she had settled until the house that the Alliance and Council had supplied. They had moved to a village outside London, somewhere quiet by the coast, where Shepard could rest up and heal. The one thing she loved most about the house was the fire place, a real wood burner. Now that the ground was covered in a thick blanket of snow, she was glad for the warmth and homely feel it gave her.

Kaidan had been as doting as he ever was, doing everything he could just to make her happy, but part of her suspect he was doing out of fear that she would push him away. Sometimes, she wanted to do just that for his own good, but selfishly she needed him around and as long as he was prepared to stay, she was happy.

She had yet to see her crew again after she broke down in front of them, blaming them, rightly or wrongly, for using her for their own ends. Part of her did feel guilty for it, but the other part didn't see any reason she should. They had to know, she couldn't be their saviour any more, she just didn't anything left to give.

She sat in the living room, snuggled up a huge leather armchair by the fire, watching old earth movies, when she heard the front door open. Instinctively, she reached for the pistol she kept by the armchair, "Kaidan, is that you?"

"Yeah. It's freezing outside." He huffed as he carried the shopping into the kitchen.

She relaxed her hand, getting up from the chair, "What did you get?" She asked, as she walked into the kitchen.

He began unpacking the bags, moving them into the cupboards, "I got all your favourite foods, including the ice cream."

Shepard smiled, "You do spoil me."

"I have one more surprise for you. I'll go and get it." He left the via the front door, leaving Shepard in the kitchen. A few moments later he returned, carrying a bundle in a blanket. "We talked about getting a puppy. It's a boy."

She caught a glimpse of the furry bundle, her heart melting in an instant. She took the black cocker spaniel puppy in her arms, holding it close to her. "He's adorable. When did you get him?"

"I found a breeder when you were still in hospital. Had to wait until he was weaned from his mother before I could pick him up."

"Let's call him, Eden. For Eden Prime."

He pulled her close to him, kissing her cheek, "It's perfect."


	9. Opening old wounds

Shepard took a seat in the therapist's office, eyes directed to the winter wonderland scene outside. She drummed her fingers against her knees in a bid to stop her biting her nails, as she recently developed a habit of doing it when she was nervous.

"So Honey." The asari doctor said, brightly. "I'm Dr M'Fee. The citadel council appointed me as your therapist." She offered her hand, in which Shepard shook it, respectfully. "Now today, we are just going to talk about your life, just so I can get some background."

"Ok." Shepard replied, quietly.

"So tell me about your childhood."

"What would you like to know?"

"You were an orphan. What was life like for you growing up?"

"I grew up in a group home, It was run by the most evil, sadistic bitch, I've ever known."

"Tell me about her?"

"She liked the boys, treated them like superstars. But us girls, she resented us. The prettier the girl, the stronger the hatred. She used to re-name us. I was called "Cherry Pie" I fucking hated that."

"Why that name?" The doctor asked as she took notes down on her Pad.

"She liked to give girls sexier names. It made us more appealing to the customers."

The doctor cocked an eyebrow in response. "Customers?"

Shepard barked out a laugh. "Yes. What the authorities didn't know was, she turned that home into a brothel and we were the working girls."

"How old were you?"

"When it started?" She pursed her lips in thought, unpacking all those memories she boxed away in her mind, all those years go. "I was ten. I don't really remember all that much, just the pain really. It was agony, but I learned to ignore it. No one cared if I was in pain."

"What about the last time?"

"Ah yes. I was twelve and harder hearted than any twelve year old should be. The man was the most violent yet. Something inside of me snapped, so I grabbed the screwdriver I had hidden under my pillow and drove it deep into his neck. I was shocked at how much blood there was."

"Then what happened?"

"I ran out of the room. I ended up in her room, trying to find any money I could take. I found my birth certificate, so I took that too."

"You met Admiral Anderson when you were sixteen, what did you do in the mean time?"

"I moved from place to place. Then when I met David, he pulled my life starboard and set me on the right course."

"What do you think would have happened, if you didn't meet him?"

"I'd probably be dead." She replied, drolly.

"Do you regret joining the Alliance?"

"No, I don't. Joining saved my life."

"And where you met the Major?"

Shepard couldn't stop herself smiling when she heard his name. "Yeah."

"So tell me about him?" She asked, almost teasingly.

"He is a wonderful man. Kind, gorgeous, loving."

"Do you love him?"

"Yeah. More than I've ever told him, I think."

"Does he know about your past?"

"Yes. Not all but he knows more about me than any one else."

"What about your crew?"

Tears pooled in her eyes as she thought about them. "I haven't seen them in a while."

Dr M'Fee handed her a tissue, giving her a sympathetic smile. "That makes you sad?"

"Yeah." Shepard croaked out, as she dried her eyes with the issue. "I pushed them away."

"Have you tried to contact them?" Shepard shook her head, making the therapist frown. "Why not?"

"I don't deserve them or Kaidan." Her tears flowed again, taking the box of tissues from the doctor.

"Yet he stays with you. Do you not think yourself worthy of love?"

She looked down at the floor, tears dropping on to her lap. "I closed my heart off at a young age. I don't know how to really let someone in."

"But you told the Major painful things about your past, so you trust him. He proved that trust was justified when he stuck by you."

Shepard looked up, drying her eyes, a small spark flickering on within them. "I never thought of it like that. I do trust Kaidan. I trusted my crew."

"Have you ever been open with your friends?"

"Once, when I thought I was going to die. I expected die. I left video messages for them. Kaidan later told me that it was played to a room full of people. I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"Because you showed your vulnerability?"

Shepard nodded. "I've been so used to being the toughened soldier that I struggle to lay it all out there."

"Have you thought about getting in contact with them?"

"Sometimes, but I cant seem to work up the courage."

"Ok. I'm going to give you a task for our next session. I want you to write letters to each of your crew. Be open and honest. We will go through them next week."

"You wont show any one?"

"Not at all. They'll be between us. They are just for to release all those pent up feelings you have." The doctor led Shepard to the door, shaking her hand. "How would you feel if we had Kaidan in one of your sessions?"

"I guess it'll be ok."

"Good. Get started on those letters."

Shepard walked out into the snow filled streets of London, feeling strangely liberated, unburdened by all those painful memories. Putting her scarf around her neck, she walked down the street to a near by park where Kaidan would be with Eden. In the distance, she could see him surrounded by children, no doubt wanting to stroke the puppy. She felt a little flutter in her stomach, a little bloom of hope that her future would be one entirely of her own making with Kaidan. She walked over to them, sitting beside him on the bench, Eden trying to jump up and lick her. "I see you two made some friends." She laughed, stroking the excited dog.

The children gasped when they saw who it was. Kaidan put an arm around her, pulling her to him. "Hey kids, this is my girlfriend, Honey."

A blonde haired girl, no more than six, jumped on her lap, looking up at her with awe. "Commander Shepard, you're my hero."

Shepard felt a little uncomfortable, but soon shook off the feeling as she looked down at the little girl. "Well, you're my hero."

Kaidan watched, smiling as she talked to the children. He could finally see the old Shepard re-emerging from the dark shadow that had kept her hidden for so long. So deep in thought, he didn't notice the children get up from the bench. Suddenly something wet and icy cold hit his face, shaking him from his thoughts. He looked up to see Shepard, wearing a mischievous grin, a snowball in her left hand. "Oh, you are going to pay for that." He ran after her, picking up a snowball of his own. The parents of the children watched as the galaxy's hero, ran around with delight, throwing snowballs at the children, one mother taking a picture.

The children said goodbye, Kaidan wrestling a lead back on the excited Eden. Shepard wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his neck. "That was fun." She laughed.

He pressed a kiss into her hair, pulling her tight to him. "You know, for someone as apt with a gun as you, you really have no accuracy at all." He laughed.

Shepard wrestled Kaidan to the snow, jumping on top of him, Eden excitedly barking. "Say that again." She glared at him, the laughter in her eyes giving it away.

"What? Kiss me?" He winked.

She pressed her lips against his, closing her eyes as his warmth engulfed her. It was loving and gentle, everything she knew it would be.

Kaidan opened his eyes, as he felt her pull away. He became breathless when he looked up at her, seeing her, his Honey, looking so peaceful and happy, his heart wanted to burst. She was so very beautiful. "Shall we go home?"

"Yeah, our home." She helped him up and together they walked hand in hand, Eden walking along happily, with a stick hanging from his mouth, to their sky car.

Kaidan stepped into the shower, sighing as the warm water seeped into his cold skin. Thanks to Shepard wrestling him on to the snow, his clothes had been wet through, making the journey home, an unpleasant one. He smirked to himself as the shower door opened and closed, two arms wrapping around his waist. "It's been a while since we shared a shower." He turned around to face her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.

"Only this time, we wont have Wrex, whining that the water was too hot." She chuckled.

"Communal showers. Those were the days."

"Hmmm, now you've got your wish."

"To have you wet and naked in a confined space?

"That's the one. At least that is what he is telling me." She slid a hand down his toned body, taking his hardened length in her hand. "He likes me." She teased him, stroking the shaft.

He moved, pushing her against the shower wall, his lips crashing to hers with a sense of need and urgency. He moaned against her mouth as she teased his open, tongues tasting each other, savouring each other. He pulled back, both breathless. "How did we hold out for five years?" He asked, pressing a kiss into her collarbone, nipping slightly at the skin.

She gasped as his hands moved cup her breasts. "I have no idea."

He forcefully pulled up her leg to rest against his hip, keeping her steady against wall. He slipped his hand in between her legs, probing at her sex, his fingers deftly working, finding all the right spots.

She groaned against his shoulder as he entered a finger into her, nails digging into his back as he pumped his finger in and out of her, his thumb teasing her clit. Her moans grew louder as she neared her climax, Kaidan working faster and faster.

"Sing for me, Honey." He whisper against her neck.

Her legs felt like jelly as she came hard against his hand. "Kaidan." She groaned, struggling to keep herself steady. She didn't have time to think as he quickly thrust up into her.

He groaned at the feeling of being inside of her. This was a pleasure they had denied themselves for five years. He moved his hands around her backside, pulling her up, her legs wrapping around his waist. Their lips met, kissing lazily as he rolled his hips, setting a slow pacing. Kaidan felt the heady fogginess of desire, engulfed his mind as her lips kissed every part of him they could reach. He pulled out of her, setting her on her feet, making her whine. He turned her around, pushing her against. Gripping on to her hips, his thrust into her again, harder than he realised, judging by her grunt. He snapped her hips back to meet his thrust, setting a new, faster rhythm.

She pressed herself hard against the cold tiles of the shower wall. Once again, she felt the familiar heat in her groin. "Harder." She begged, moaning loudly as he obliged her. Her body tensed up as she came hard, screaming against the wall.

The pace become uneven and quick as he felt her walls closing in around his length. Making a few desperate thrusts, he spilled himself into her, groaning against the space between her shoulder blades. After a few lazily thrusts, her waning orgasm, milking the rest of his own. He pulled out of her, wrapping his arms around her. They stayed silent in the shower a few minutes, while their breathing returned to normal. Soft laughter filled the bathroom, as the lovers came down from their post coital high. "That's a great way to end 2187." Kaidan pressed a kiss into her shoulder, turning the water off.

"Oh yeah. We get to start 2188 as a real couple."

"I think 2188 will be our best year, yet."

They got out of the shower, drying off before getting into bed. They spent the last hours of one year and the beginning hours of a new year, making love.


	10. Greatest Accomplishment

Shepard sat in the doctor's room, waiting for him to return. He left the room suddenly after reviewing her blood tests that had been done as part of her three monthly physical. A few moments letter, he entered the room, sitting down in his chair opposite her. "Ok, honey. Just need to ask you some personal questions. Are you sexually active?"

She blushed a little. "Yes."

"When did it start?"

"With Kaidan. New years day."

"Have your periods been regular?"

"Erm…no. They've also been pretty hit and miss." Shepard looked at with expectation of what he was trying to tell her. "Doc, what is it?"

"You're pregnant."

She stared at the doctor in disbelief, shocked that she was pregnant. "Say that again."

"You are pregnant. I would estimate no more than fourteen weeks, but you'll need a scan to confirm that. I've called them, so they know to expect you."

Shepard walked to the place in a complete daze. She was pregnant by some bloody miracle, seeing how her periods had also been erratic and she had a history of infrequent ovulation. The midwife led her into a room where the machine was, telling her to lay on the bed.

"Ok?" She asked.

"Yeah, just dazed still."

"All perfectly normal." She reassured. "This unit will be going over your stomach, so try to keep still at first so it can get a good view. Once we found baby, you can sit up and see. I'll do some pictures for you to take home.

She laid back as the machine bleeped into life. Then a strong rhythmic sound filled the room, making her gasp a little. "Is that the heartbeat?"

"Yes. Looking very good. I estimate you are about 13 weeks. Would you like to see?"

"Yes, please." She sat up to see the screen, her heart fluttering with love when she saw the tiny mass moving. "It looks like a tiny person already." Tears slipped down her cheeks, mesmerised by the image. "Best birthday present, ever!" She laughed, wiping away her tears.

"Oh, it's your birthday?"

"It was two days ago. My partner, Kaidan, left yesterday for work. He'll be away for four weeks."

"Awwww, will you wait to tell him?"

"Yeah. He'll only worry himself silly if he's not here."

"You might have a bump when he returns. What a lovely homecoming."

That night, she laid in bed, eyes fixed on her stomach. It amazed her, that at that moment, there was a little life inside of her and would be for a while yet. She was determined to enjoy pregnancy, no matter the high or low. She placed a hand on her stomach, stroking the skin. "I look forward to us getting to know each other, little one." She whispered.

* * *

 

Shepard stood sideways in front of the mirror, stroking her growing bump. It wasn't a big bump, but it was unmissable, unless under baggy clothes. She felt little flutters in her belly, like little bubbles. In nine hours, Kaidan would return and with the crew as she requested. She wanted them, people that she adored to share in her joy. They would be family to her baby.

After getting dressed, she went shopping for things Kaidan and the crew would need. Anderson told her they had shore leave so she hoped they would spend it with her and Kaidan. She walked to the centre of the village where all the shops were, hoping they had what she needed, although the normally did, if they didn't, they'd get it for her. She popped into a bookshop that she grown to love, finding so many rare literary treasures. Tying up Eden outside, not that the owner would mind, just Eden enjoyed chewing everything, she walked she saying Hello to the owner. She moved to the shelves hoping to find books to read the baby. While searching, something caught her eye on the shelf. It was a book of baby names, fairly old but still in good condition. Removing it from the shelf, she laughed, holding it to her chest; she now had a plan.

She took all her books up to the counter. "Sun is beautiful today." She said to the owner, an elderly woman who had taken quite a shine to Shepard as did most of the villagers.

"Isn't it glorious? You are glowing beautifully, my sweet." When she saw the book, a huge smile spread across her face. "Congratulations. What a very lucky baby."

Tears welled in her eyes as the woman moved from behind the counter to hug her. "Thank you. He's back tonight so I can tell him."

"Well, you best bring in that young man so I can hug him too."

"I will." She said goodbye to the woman so could continue her shopping. She had no idea how news travelled so damn fast, but the man in the shop refused to let her carrying the items back home in her condition, being told her only jobs were to glow and grow the baby. It made her heart swell knowing so many were looking out for her and the little one.

On her walk back home with Eden, she past the local school just as the kids were being dropped off. Suddenly, a chorus of little delighted voices called her name, waving at her excitedly. She waved back, the parents greeting her warmly. She loved living near the school. The children knew her and the headmistress asked her if she would read to the children, especially the ones having a more difficult time. The head loved having her come in as she did wonders for the children struggling in their education, telling Shepard, she was a natural. Once the baby was born, she looked forward to taking he/she in to meet the children.

At home, she wrapped the book, leaving on the table, setting about making some food for the crew. They loved it when she cooked on the Normandy, they even bribed her to do it, either with chocolate or taking over some paperwork.

* * *

Kaidan and the crew got on to the shuttle, piloted by Steve, to take them back to the house. He couldn't wait to be home and see Shepard. He missed her so much, even though they talked as often as the could, it just wasn't the same without feeling the warmth of her body against him and sweet scent of her skin, engulfing his senses. "You guys look nervous." Kaidan laughed at the usually rowdy crew.

"Well…." Garrus shrugged. "We haven't seen her in a long time."

"Is she happy, Kaidan?" Asked Liara. "She's been through so much."

"She is. You'll see it in her face. She enjoys life now."

Joker scoffed from the cockpit, next to Steve. "Who wouldn't? Nice big house, huge pension. I'd love that."

The crew laughed at him. "No you wouldn't. You'd miss the Normandy too much." Tali voiced what the others knew.

"Alliance brass know what my pension requirements are. I have the Normandy and they keep her fuelled."

"Joker, _mi amigo,_ you need a woman….." He stopped, eyeing the grumpy pilot. "Or man. Do you swing that way?"

"Why, are you offering?"

"Sorry dude. You don't have the right holes."

Steve groaned in disgust. "And you wonder why you are single."

Kaidan interrupted any reply James might have had, by getting up, moving to the cockpit. "We are here."

The crew left the shuttle, following Kaidan up the path from the landing area. They admired the house and the views when looking to the village. "Welcome to _mi casa."_ Kaidan opened the front door, Eden instantly on him, jumping up excitedly. "Honey?" He called out.

Shepard appeared from the kitchen, rushing to wrap her arms around him. "Welcome home, handsome."

He wrapped her arms around her waist, picking her up. "I missed you, so much."

"We missed you." She laughed looking down at Eden, who was desperate to be stroked.

He crouched down, giving him a rub behind the ears, while trying to avoid being licked on the face. "I missed you too."

Shepard saw the crew enter the house being him, tentatively holding back. "You came." She whispered, tears pricking at her eyes.

Joker moved in front of her, arms crossed. "Since when did you cry?"

"Just shut the fuck up and hug me, Joker."

Joker embraced his cousin, his emotions threatening to over spill. "Life sucked without you."

Shepard chuckled, leaning into his shoulder. "I know. I am great, aren't I?" She said, earning a laugh from Joker.

After she let go of Joker, she hugged James and Steve before Tali and Liara nearly hugged her to death, in a double hug, mumbling something about, not letting her go again. She stood before Garrus, looking him up and down. "What's up, big guy? You don't look so stylish." She teased.

"Well…." The turian drawled out. "Turns out, its hard to be stylish when you're a Vakarian without a Shepard."

She tutted, hands on her hips. "Correction. You cant be a Vakarian without a Shepard."

"Does that mean, you weren't a Shepard?" He asked, fluttering his mandibles.

"No, my dear turian." She put one arm around him. "I'm just too good, to just stop being a Shepard."

He grabbed her, pulling her close. "It's damn good to have you back, Shepard."

"It's good to be back." She noticed Javik eyeing her, when she let go of Garrus. A brief smile tugged at his lips, nodding in approval, before he sat down with the others.

They sat down in the living room, sharing food between them and drinks between, salivating over Shepard's excellent cooking. It wasn't long before the stories come out, talking about the old times, memories of each other they shared, everyone of them glad to see Shepard happy again.

Kaidan put his drink down on the coffee table, noticing a small present. He picked it up, curious as to what it was. "Honey, what's this?"

She bit her lip nervously, moving to sit next to him. "It's a welcome home present."

Kaidan eagerly ripped open the paper, immediately confused when he looked at the title of the book, his stomach tied itself in knots. "Baby names."

"Look inside." She urged, noticing the faces of their friends with them, while they held their breaths.

He opened the book, a slip of paper falling out. With shaking hands, he put the book down and picked up the paper. "Honey?" He breathed out, looking at her with hopeful joy. She stood up, undoing the zip on her hoodie and pulling up her vest top. He looked at her stomach, beautifully rounded with the words, "Welcome home, daddy" written in black ink. Tears streamed down his face as he sat still, eyes fixed on her stomach. In there, in his beautiful Honey, grew _their_ baby. He pulled her closer, placing a kiss on the bump, resting his forehead against it. "Our baby." He whispered against her skin.

Tears dropped on to his head, as she looked down at the man she loved, getting lost in their joy. "Our baby." She replied.

James nudged at Steve, whispering at him to get a picture. This was a memory that had to be captured. Watching two people who were so in love, sharing a tender moment. They knew, that even before the baby took his/her first breath, it was already adored, not just by loving parents, but a room full of people who witnessed and shared their joy.

Tali and Liara moved closer to them, both crying. "Can we join in now?" Tali asked, sniffing quietly.

Kaidan stood up and laughed with Shepard, both sharing a look at each other. Before they could move, they were mobbed by a group hug. It wasn't long both talk turned to the baby. "How far are you, Honey and when did you find out?"

"I'm seventeen weeks now. I found out the day after you left."

"You kept it secret for four weeks?"

"It was bloody hard. I nearly let it slip a few times, but I really wanted to surprise you."

James walked into the living room, carrying a tray of drinks. "Right, shut up and grab a drink. "Time for a toast. Garrus?"

"You should do it as their successor."

James nodded before picking up his own drink. "So it had been a long road for us. We made us into a family and lost some of our brothers and sisters along the way, but it all led to this. So raise your drinks to the first child ever to be born from two Spectres, the first Normandy baby and future bad ass, just like it's parents. To baby Normandy."

"To baby Normandy." They said in unison, clinking their glasses together.

"Honey, let's go and call my mom."

"Wait…" Shepard grabbed the scan picture and a pen. "I got an idea."

Kaidan and Shepard went into the study, sitting down in the couch, cuddling as the waited for her to answer. "Hi mom." They settled down in front the screen.

"Hi baby. Hi Honey." She beamed, excited to hear from them.

"Mom, we got someone who wants to say hello."

"Ok." She said, confused.

Shepard held up the scan picture so she could see it. "Say hi, Katherine" She laughed, waiting for a reaction.

Katherine screamed, hands over her face as tears welled in her eyes. She saw the picture and the words, "Hi, grandma." Eventually, she calmed down enough to talk. "I'm going to be a grandma?"

"Yes, you are." Kaidan said, grinning from ear to ear.

"How far are you, Honey?"

"Seventeen weeks. So I guess, you are gonna have to move to the village now."

"Is that why you were trying to convince me?"

"Guilty. Baby needs his/her grandparents."

"Oh your dad is home." Kaidan's dad appeared on the screen. They hadn't talked much since he was away for months. "Hi son, Honey."

"Your son and daughter in law have some news."

"We are having a baby."

His dad slammed his hand down on the desk. "Excellent!" He shouted, tears forming in his eyes. "Well, that settles it. I'm going to retire."

"Sweetheart, Honey thinks we should move to England near them. Some beautiful houses there."

"I think we should."

"Really?" Kaidan asked, hopeful. "You'd move here?"

"Of course, son. We want to help any way we can."

They talked for a while before saying their goodbyes, giving Kaidan and Shepard a moment alone. "We are having a baby." Said Kaidan, still amazed at the idea.

"Happy? She snuggled at to him, one hand on her little bump.

"Blissfully so. What about you?"

"I cant wait to meet him/her. Our little miracle."

"You do have a habit of beating near impossible odds." They snuggled together for a few more moments before joining their rowdy friends.

* * *

Time seemed to have stopped when Kaidan and Shepard laid on their bed, their newly born daughter nestled between. Neither of them could take their eyes off her. "She's beautiful." Shepard kissed her daughter's head, smelling her dark hair.

"She like her mother. Perfect in every way." He flashed her a smile, before turning his eyes back to their baby.

"So is it, Isabella?"

"Isabella Ashley Alenko. Future Spectre."

"I can almost hear Ashley. " _About damn time, skip, LT_." She laughed.

"If us waiting five years before we got together, meant this happened, I'm glad we waited."

"Me too. She's only been in the galaxy a few hours and already she's the greatest thing in it. Not that I'm biased."

"Oh, we're allowed to biased. Greatest accomplishment?" He asked.

"Greatest accomplishment." She agreed.


	11. Finally home

Shepard sat in Isabella's paddling pool, while the seventeen month old, unceremoniously dumped water on her mother's hefty, eight month pregnant, stomach. She would have objected but by the way her son moved about, she surmised he was actually enjoying it. Isabella babbled away happily, while she basked in the glorious April sunshine. She heard movement in the house, knowing Kaidan had returned from walking Eden. Within about thirty seconds, she knew Eden would be running out into the garden and jumping in the pool, sending the water flying. She'd never have known a dog would have the most fun it could ever have, while jumping and out of a kiddie pool while having a toddler fire water at him with a water gun.

Kaidan walked out into the garden, making her whistle teasingly. He had nothing but his shorts on, his delicious and rather irresistible golden body, uncovered for her to admire. He carried a big tub and two spoons, getting into the pool behind his daughter. "Is that ice cream?" She asked, almost drooling.

"Chocolate orange. You're favourite."

"Well, get that beautiful butt of yours, over here."

He chuckled, moving next to her. "Izzy, you want some ice cream?"

She dropped the water gun and planted herself in from of him. "'Cream, dada."

Shepard laughed as she watched him feed her as she dipped her own spoon in. "See, handsome. I'm not the only one who'd sell my soul for ice cream." When he gave her side ways look, she knew what he'd be after later. "Oh, oh. Now I get it."

"No idea what you mean." He protested as he fed Izzy more ice cream. "Just a husband and father, getting his family a cold treat in the hot weather."

"We both know you are after a completely different heat later."

Izzy interrupted them by patting him on the hand, then pointing to Shepard's bump. "'Cream, bubby?"

With just two little babbled words, she melted both her parents more than the sun could. "He shares my ice cream, Izzy." Shepard pulled her closer, giving her lots of tickling kisses to make her laugh. "But, what a sweet big sister you are, to think about him."

"Big sis..ta?"

Shepard marvelled at her daughter's ever expanding vocabulary. Every day it seemed, she was saying more and more. Garrus joked that, by five she'll have her own command and probably be inducted into the Spectres. She was a thinker, logical even at her age and with a little dose of bossiness in the mix. James said she wouldn't need a gun, she'd just disarm her enemies with her angelic face. "That's right, Izzy. You'll be a big sister."

She moved from her mother's arms, leaning down to give her unborn brother a kiss. "Luff, bubby."

They watched Izzy as she went back to playing with Eden. "James was right. Charm is her best weapon." Shepard smiled, watching her daughter play happily with the dog.

"Well…." Kaidan winked at her. "She is your daughter." He kissed her gently, stroking his noise against hers.

"Would it be bad of us to have sex in this pool later?" She whispered in his ear.

"We have a two. She'll never know." He nipped at her earlobe, making her squeal loudly. "You'll be doing lots of that later."

"Stop it, you naughty man." She chided, teasingly. "We can play later." She laughed out loud when Izzy fired the water pistol in his face. "Get him, Izzy!"

Kaidan laughed as he found himself in his back, both wife and daughter on top of him, pouring cold water over his head. "I surrender!" He pleaded, still laughing so much he couldn't breath properly, as Eden joined in on the fun.

Izzy flopped down on his chest, having giggled herself exhausted. "Luff, dada."

He smiled, caressing her long dark hair. "I love you, Izzy and mama."

"Luff, mama."

Shepard leant down to kiss her daughter's cheek, blowing a raspberry against the skin. "I love you, precious and dada." Eden barked, almost indignant. "We love you, too."

* * *

Shepard jolted awake, caused by a hefty kick by the growing boy inside her. She was getting used to such abrupt wake ups as his nocturnal exercises got more intense. "Kaidan?" She called out into the darkness, realising her husband wasn't asleep next to her. She looked at the clock, groaning at the time, _"3am."_ She huffed out. Then she heard the soft music coming from downstairs and decided to investigated. She gently manoeuvred herself out of bed, stepping out of the bedroom to the landing where the music grew louder. Leaning over the bannister, she could just see Kaidan in the dim light of the living room, moving slowly with the music. She smiled, her heart warming as she got a glimpse of his dance partner. Isabella had been feeling under the weather for the last two days and not sleeping very well. Kaidan had taken on the care, so Shepard could get more rest; with only a month left, she needed it.

Soundlessly, she made her way to the living room, standing by the sofa to watch as her husband hummed gently into their daughter's ear, softly lulling her to sleep. He turned to face her, a sleepy smile on his lips, "Care to dance?" He whispered, extending his free hand out to her.

She smiled and blushed, her knees giving a little wobble as he always had that effect on her, "I thought you'd never ask," Laughing lightly as she wrapped an arm around his shoulder, the other gently rubbing Isabella's back. She giggled when his strong arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her tight to him so her bump rested against his stomach. The song changed; it happened to be one of her favourites. _"Tonight you're mine, completely….."_ She sang softly, drawing a blissful sigh out of her husband as they moved together slowly, _"You give your love so sweetly….."_ Her head rested against his shoulder as she got lost in the little world they made together. Most would laugh, knowing their song was about a one night stand, but they so very nearly didn't have a tomorrow, it seemed so apt.

Kaidan closed his eyes as the waves of bliss washed over him, as he had his wife and children in his arms, where they belonged. He lived for moments like this, where he could pretend they were the only ones to exist in the galaxy. Nothing else mattered but them, "I love you." He whispered, pressing a kissing into her hair.

"I love you." She replied, sleepily. He had no idea just how much. He was everything she needed, he was the strong one when she couldn't be, the one always behind her, "Kaidan?"

"Hmmm?

"Thank you?"

"What for?" He asked, his lips ghosted over the skin of her forehead.

"For not giving up on me." Came her tearful reply.

He laughed gently. "You've given me many more reasons to be thankful."

"So we're even then…." She laughed through her tears.

He laughed, leaning down to kiss her, letting his lips linger on hers. "Let's go to bed."

Together, they walked upstairs to their bedroom. Kaidan laid Isabella down gently in the middle, taking care not to wake her. He watched as Shepard got into bed before gently kissing their daughter's forehead, earning a tiny, sleepy giggle. He joined them a moment later, resting his hand on Shepard's stomach; the boy within content to sleep.

* * *

Kaidan laid in bed, pretending to be asleep and he smiled to himself as he heard the conspiring whispers of his children, mainly Isabella telling Theo to jump on daddy. Then his wife's voice joined in, telling them both to shout "surprise" He braced himself as he heard the hurried patters of little feet on the wooden floor. He groaned as he felt two weights jump on his stomach. "Surprise!" They yelled.

Both children joined him under the covers as he sat up. "Well, good morning."

"Happy birthday, daddy." Isabella giggled, snuggling up to his side. "Mummy made breakfast."

Shepard laid a tray on his lap, giving him a quick kiss. "Happy birthday 40th birthday."

"Mmmm, thank you." They all tucked into the pancakes Shepard had made. Kaidan enjoyed little moments where they just sat like this, eating and talking.

"Mummy?" Isabella tapped on her mother's arm. "Can we give daddy his present?"

"Go on then."

Kaidan took a box from his daughter, opening it to see what his wife and children has been conspiring about for months. He saw a pad with a picture of the Normandy on it. At Shepard's urging, he read it, suddenly bursting out with laughing. "You rented the Normandy?"

"Yep. I called in all the favours I was owed. We are going on a galaxy tour, in style. We also get to spend time with our friends. We leave in two hours.

"But we need to pack?"

"Baby, please. Remember who you are talking to. Our bags are at the Alliance HQ."

"We are going to so many places, daddy. Auntie Tali is going to take me on a tour of Rannoch." Isabella jumped of the bed excitedly.

Shepard moved into the spot that her daughter vacated, snuggling up to her ever handsome, if slightly greying, husband. "It's going to be great. We can admire places the way the were meant to be."

"Will you be ok." He asked, worried. Shepard still struggling with the idea of stepping inside the Normandy, but he knew she would only suck it up for him.

"I'll be fine. Me and my therapist have been working on that. I might wobble but, I'm ready to do it.

He smiled at her, placing a tender kiss on her lips. "You are the bravest, most incredible, woman I've ever met and I love you, so very much."

"I love you, too."

Three hours later, they were on the Normandy in James cabin after he kindly offered them use of it. Shepard did have a slight wobble, but she overcame it. Once they got inside the cabin, she knew that she had come home.


End file.
